SLAMMERS, COLUMBUS- Recently, the LGBTQ+ community has experienced unprecedented amounts of turmoil. For the past few years, there has been a noticeable decline in the number of masc lesbians within the community. Whispers of this so-called “Masc Shortage” have circulated on social media, but have now more recently been in the spotlight as your gay friend loudly complained while swiping on her dating app of choice. Well, I’m here to tell you that I know exactly where they all went- Sunday Mass.

I know you know what I’m talking about. A gay-looking woman approaches in The Oval, and just when you start to maybe believe in love again she asks you if you’re ready for the rapture. How could someone SO gay looking also be able to get up at 7 am every Sunday??? I mean she’s wearing Birkenstocks for Christ’s sake!

You start to think that maybe you could make it work. You could share romantic nights lighting incense sticks, sipping on the blood and munching on the body, swapping secrets and calling it “confession”… this could really be something.

But then as you see the Leviticus 20:13 keychain dangling from her carabiner, you’re brought back down to reality. All that is left to do now is hope (or pray, I guess) that they stumble upon a Chappell Roan song or maybe an episode of Killing Eve.

Written by Pope Francis