Ohio State students were shocked last week when University Archives released the secret diary of William Oxley Thompson, who served as Ohio State’s fifth president from 1899 to 1925. The diary, which had remained hidden from the public for nearly a century, revealed the former president’s radical pro-Michigan views.
“I feel betrayed,” wept Chad Miller, a sophomore business major. “I must’ve walked past the Thompson statue a million times, and all I ever thought of was his strong eyebrows and how shiny his head looked. It never even occurred to me that Thompson could have been a pro-Michigan traitor! This is a sad day to be a Buckeye.”
“It’s shameful,” lamented Virginia Steinem, a first year communications major. “To think that one of our former presidents was a Michigan supporter! I just know the rest of the Big Ten is laughing at us.”
Acting University President Peter Mohler was quick to respond to the outrage. “The publication of Thompson’s diary reveals a dark chapter in our University’s history,” Mohler declared. “I have spoken with the Board of Trustees, and we agree that it’s in the best interests of everyone to remove Thompson’s statue. Now, when I say remove, I don’t just mean ‘take it down’; we’re going to demolish it. Rest assured, it’ll be totally destroyed. Obliterated. Just like Michigan this November.”
But that’s not all. Mohler went on to reveal the University’s plans to build a new statue in the same location on the Oval. “We’re going to honor a true Buckeye,” Mohler promised. “One of the greatest students ever to graduate from our prestigious university: R. L. Stine.”
Stine, a Columbus native, graduated in 1965. He is known around the world as the best-selling author of the Goosebumps and Fear Street book series.
“Stine’s statue is going to be so much bigger and better than boring ol’ Thompson’s!” Mohler announced to thunderous applause. “It’s going to be approximately the same height as the Statue of Liberty, give or take a few inches. And it’ll be designed by another Ohio State grad, Michelangelo, who’s most famous for sculpting the statue of David in Florence. Like David, Stine’s statue will be carved out of a single piece of flawless Tuscan marble.”
Blueprint sketches of the planned statue were distributed during Mohler’s speech. Stine’s statue will have what can only be described as the perfect physique of a Greek God, and will be depicted as performing Usain Bolt’s signature victory pose. In homage to the author’s spooky writings, the statue will be given glowing red eyes and a built-in speaker that plays the Goosebumps TV-show theme song 24/7.
“‘Thompson Library’ is going to become ‘Stine Library’, as well,” Mohler added. “And we’re probably going to convert West Campus into Horrorland, you know, from Stine’s books, but that’s still in the very early planning stages. The point is there’s a lot to be excited about!”
Written by Wally Green