Written by Suzanne Collins


To celebrate the release of The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes, the highly-anticipated documentary detailing The Ohio State University’s history of bloodsports, the renowned educational institution will be hosting a very special edition of the Hunger Games. Students with low GPAs will battle to the death on the Oval for the opportunity to earn extra credit and Steak Night coupons. It’s a longstanding Buckeye tradition that never fails to warm the heart. 

Here’s some tips to help you survive this year’s Hunger Games if you’re lucky enough to be chosen as tribute!

  1. Avoid the Wildlife – As usual, there’ll be plenty of rabid squirrels, food robots, and electric scooters released into the arena as an extra challenge for the tributes. Although they aren’t meant to kill or eat you, they’re intended to inflict as much damage as possible. AVOID THEM AT ALL COSTS.
  2. Learn Kung Fu – It’s currently unclear whether this year’s Hunger Games will allow students to fight with guns (you can thank the Radical Left for that). In either case, it’s pretty handy to know Kung Fu just in case you can’t find a weapon.
  3. Bring a Portable Phone Charger – The #1 regret most Hunger Games Victors share is that they weren’t able to make more TikToks since their phones ran out of battery halfway through the Games. Be smart; filming your death battles on the Oval would greatly increase your views and followers, so it’s worth it to bring a portable charger.
  4. Don’t Skip Leg Day – Pretty sage advice under any circumstances, actually. 
  5. Use the Power of Friendship – The only way to survive is to make friends, not enemies. Forming alliances with the smart kids early on will increase your chances of surviving – although ultimately you’ll still have to fight them to the death later. So don’t get too attached to anyone!

If you’re unable to participate in this year’s Hunger Games, don’t worry! Ohio State will be hosting the Triwizard Tournament this spring, as well as the Squid Games next summer. And as always, may the odds be ever in your favor!