A queer guide for the straight guy
Last Updated: November 13, 2023
It is remarkably unusual when you see queer couples breaking up. Since the little representation we have always ends in death or true love, it’s hard to see your queer friends actually call it quits (alive that is). If this is your first breakup from the sidelines, here is your extensive guide on what to do.
Insert Yourself
1 Since you’ve seen one episode of Ru Paul’s Drag Race, that means you know everything about queer culture. When TV tells you that queer people never break up, that means it’s the truth. You should have an intervention for your friends and hopefully, they can get back together.
Set them up with your other queer friends
2 Who said gay people needed time to cope after a break-up? You should IMMEDIATELY set them up with the other queer people in your life. Do they need to be romantically compatible? Hell no! It’s known that all queer people have the same personality. Just stick them on an aesthetically pleasing date and they will be at it in no time.
Make them a Grindr account without their knowledge
3 Since the dawn of technology, the gays have been hooking up on the DL. First, it was priesthood, then it was piracy– even the nuns would do it. Eventually, they would get caught and they would find a new way to get freaky, so the cycle continues. The newest way to get down is Grindr. When you find your gay friend a match, lure them to a dark alley, kidnap them, and then drop them off at their date’s house. They’ll get down in no time.
Beg your friends to get back together
4 This breakup is really getting to you. The friend group that had been glued together by this couple is now falling apart, even after they pinky promised that we’d be best fwends fowever. This is driving you mad! The couple must get back together!