THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY – It’s murder on the dancefloor! On his way down Mirror Lake’s scenic walk towards Pomerene Hall, the Sundial’s Director of Planning was bumped on his shoulder by a scooter. The alleged assailant wore an Ohio State Cap and THE Student-Athlete Backpack, so he was easy to identify as a member of the Scooter Mafia that has been allowed to run absolutely rampant on this campus. Witnesses say that, despite Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s best wishes, the groove was indeed killed as one of the victim’s earbuds proceeded to fall onto the cold, cold grass. The victim was then given a menacing over-the-shoulder glare before the perpetrator Limed away to Worthington Building, giggling along the way. Our Director of Planning was left shocked and appalled at his experience.
After this attack on one of our self-proclaimed most beloved members, we at the Sundial jumped into action to find answers. Despite our name, The Sundial Humor Magazine is a serious journalistic institution that protects its hardworking journalists and began an extensive and exhaustive search for those responsible. To begin our search for justice (and funds for our Huntington bank account), we began by asking our fearless leader Walter “Ted” Carter Jr.. Carter Jr. asked special reporter Dolivia Earth how much money the Scooter Mafia brought to his coffers, and how much money the Sundial brought comparatively. Ms. Earth was frank about the numbers and was given a Marsha’s Buckeye and a restraining order from Carter Jr’s secretary as a result. While we are proud of Carter Jr. for supporting local culture, we did not get the answers or protections for our journalists we desperately needed.
We then contacted USG leadership with the description of the appalling incident. We received an email from an unidentified secretary offering our Director of Planning a free subscription to the New York Times (without the games he wanted, mind you) as financial compensation for the incident. When pressed about the funds in USG coffers, a USG representative said they invested all their money into a special-edition Brutus Buckeye collectible baseball card, which was unsurprisingly at the center of a pump-and-dump scheme. Producing fake tears, the Sundial’s ambassador hugged the USG representative in a rare show of empathy between the two rival organizations. But empathy is not justice, so we had to continue looking for an answer
Knowing we were not going to get the answers we needed from any accountable leader, we knew we had to go to the source: the ultimate leader of the Scooter Mafia, none other than Ryan Day himself. Mr. Day, in an exclusive interview with the Sundial, told us he directed his cronies to “go a little chiller” to “cope” with the recent nationwide tragedy in Houston this past Monday. He was not sorry about the incident, however, and we were told the Sundial members were specifically targeted “as the honest journalists they are.” Day added: “If people in the media were as honest and truthful as The Sundial about my job as leader of the Scooter Mafia, I would have been deposed from my throne already”. Sundial members were then placed on high alert for potential future attacks from the Scooter Mafia on our esteemed journalism. We will be sure to keep you updated as this situation continues to develop.
Written by Diego Phoyú, Director of Planning