Sitting atop a light-up unicycle, fourth-year OSU student Tom Middlemint instantaneously became the life of the night when he rode into a house party on Saturday. “I’m a philosophy major and a scholar of the philosophy of life: I’ve given up on both!” Middlemint hollered. Clad in all white, hat on backwards, and a half-empty wine bottle in hand, he arrived to a house party whose attendants, hungover and lethargic, were winding down the festivities. However, the partygoers were revitalized upon witness of his visage, an “unnatural” glow of the streetlights around him as he rode through the house’s open front door, still perched upon his light-up unicycle.
“I gotta write a Wikipedia page about this guy,” one partygoer, sophomore Carey Smith, said. Smith testified to shoveling jungle juice into Middlemint’s mouth with a shovel; Middlemint insisted on it, Smith said. “God, wait, I don’t even know his name. What a legend… urban legend.”
Partygoers report Middlemint leaving through the house’s back door at 11:59pm the same day – also Middlemint’s will – apparently having never stepped off his unicycle. Middlemint made his exit chugging from a full wine bottle. Witnesses say they do not remember Middlemint refilling the wine bottle at any point, too distracted instead by to the moon’s glow enveloping his figure, almost forming what looked like a halo around his head as he unicycled away.
-By Peter Muzalwa, Staff Writer