Tensions are rising after an organizer for last month’s campus blood drive was accused of “incompetence and disregard for human life” when it was discovered that several students had donated more than their single pint of blood. Specifically under fire is third-year Ellie Sholmés, who took over the position of president of the Student Service Commission from outgoing president Ian V. Ampier at the end of last semester.
According to witness statements collected by the Office of Student Life, who is currently investigating the issue in conjunction with OSUPD and Student Health Services, Sholmés was seen encouraging phlebotomists on staff to “Keep going, more, we need more!” . She was also spotted multiple times gently caressing the pints of blood, repeating, “You look so good and tasty, yes you’ll do quite well”, and hissing at any volunteers who attempted to remove the blood from her unnaturally firm grip.
In a statement released by Sholmés, she denies any wrongdoing, saying “The claims levelled against me are completely ridiculous. I organized this event with the sole intention of bringing together our community for a good cause. I would never put anyone in harm’s way and I totally deny all the charges levelled against me. Also, I did not drink the blood.”
In an interview with Sholmés that she asked be held at two in the morning in the basement of a mortuary, she attempted to clear up the miscommunications about her actions. “I’m just a girl who is passionate about service, keeping my skin safe from the sun’s harmful UV rays, and encouraging politeness across campus” she told me, uncomfortably making very intense eye contact at meet from across the room. “So what if some of that passion bleeds into this drive, where we collect that sweetest ether necessary for life, a piece of a person’s soul in warm, delicious packages? Also, I love garlic and going to the beach and I’m only a normal amount afraid of wooden stakes and pure silver.” After having said this, Sholmés and I said our goodbyes while she appeared to begin testing out various caskets so she could “get a better day’s sleep”.
In related news, faculty advisor for the organization Dr. Edward Jackel was arrested today on
charges of mishandling biohazardous materials in reference to several pints of blood that have gone missing from the drive.
-By Owen Phillips, Contributor