With the Michigan Wolverines football team having several fights occur in its team tunnel during recent weeks, Buckeyes coach Ryan Day has been itching to get in on the action. Although November 26th’s highly anticipated matchup will take place in Columbus, Day has plans to ensure that his team will also get an opportunity to tussle with the Wolverines. “If there’s one team that deserves to take a swing at Michigan, it’s us,” he exclaimed. “Penn State, Michigan State, come on. That was pretty wimpy. Nobody even attempted anything close to resembling a jiu-jitsu move. It makes me worried about the state of collegiate sports when we’ve lost all creativity like that.” The Ohio State Athletic Department diverted several million in tuition funds towards the impromptu renovation, which will be completed before the big game. That money would normally be burnt for warmth and used to keep campus dorms above seventy-five degrees at all times, but university officials viewed this as an equally worthy cause.
As part of the project, Ohio State hired a world-class architectural firm to design what it describes as an “instigation funnel”. Once completed, the section of the tunnel where players enter the field will measure a staggering 1.5 feet in width. The architectural firm claims that this width will still allow athletes to enter the playing area, but they will now be required to slide through it sideways while holding in their breath. Both teams will be forced to use this singular tunnel, as the other existing passageway is set to be bulldozed and turned into a fully staffed McDonald’s restaurant.
With so many people trying to move through such a confined space, the firm believes an altercation is all but inevitable. “It’s really about starting a brawl as quickly as possible,” says Ryan Day. “I asked if it would be possible to speed up the process by putting a suspiciously placed rack of clubs or boxing gloves somewhere in the tunnel, but apparently that’s a step too far.”
Written by Bryant S., Staff Writer