…And on the third day the Lord said unto Brutus, “My son, I have bestowed upon thee many blessings: a magnificent Horseshoe, many groves of seductively curvy trees, an abundance of Dining Dollars. But it occurs to me that I have not yet judged whether thee are worthy of these gifts. In order to be certain, I have designed a test for thee to complete.”
“What sort of test?” Brutus asked the Lord. “Can I take it online?”
And the Lord replied, “If thee wants to take it online, then thou must useth Proctorio. Still interested? No? I thought not. Anyway, to aid thee in thy quest I have provided three clues, the first of which can be found on the highest floor of Thompson Library.”
And so it was that Brutus the Buckeye set out to climb the eleven stories of Thompson Library. By the time he reached his destination he was exhausted. Panting and sweating profusely, he fell to the floor.
Spotting a group of freshmen sitting by the windows, he called out to them and begged for assistance. And although the freshmen provided him with cool and refreshing water for a small fee of $5.99, they laughed at him and questioned why he had not taken the elevator.
After recovering, Brutus searched the 11th floor and discovered a small notecard with a message in the Lord’s handwriting. Dear Brutus, the Lord had written. I commendeth thee for completing the first challenge. Thee must now head to the Oval, where thee shall partake in a cross-campus marathon against a fleet of food robots. Xoxo, The Lord.
At this Brutus scoffed, for he knew the food robots to be slow and pitiful. And when Brutus arrived at the starting point and saw the cute little food robots all lined up in a row, he could not help but laugh, wondering how the Lord could be so foolish.
But what Brutus didn’t know was that the Lord had fitted the food robots with nitrous injection, so once the race had begun they were able to quickly reach Mach 2 and leave Brutus in the dust.
Although Brutus had clearly been defeated by the food robots, he was still presented with the next clue. Congrats, my child! The Lord had written. Your final clue is hidden somewhere on North Campus; goest there now, and be quick.
Brutus hurried to North Campus, but though he searched far and wide, he was unable to find the final clue. Brutus stood atop the Clock Tower and implored the Lord to forgive him for failing in his task, but the Lord didn’t respond. Sad and dejected, Brutus returned home – and was shocked to find the Lord sitting in his living room.
“My Lord!” Brutus cried breathlessly. “What art thou doing here?”
And the Lord, looking deeply uncomfortable, answered, “Erm… well… my child, I have a confession to make. There was no test. I sent thee on that wild goose chase to get thee out of the house for a few hours so I could bang thy mom.”
At this Brutus leapt out in anger, but the Lord smote him and – after kissing Brutus’ mom goodbye and promising to text her later – returned to his heavenly throne.
Written by Abraham