OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY – With the colder weather presenting itself earlier in the spring semester, a lot of students are hesitant to walk far distances. So, they are relying on the buses around campus, however, a particular group of students is a little bit skeptical about this
approach and believes the university can do better.

“So, are you telling me that these CABS buses actually use compressed natural gas? What even is that? What makes compressed gas so much better anyway?” says skeptical student Peat Bootedge, a sophomore studying City and Regional Planning in the Knowlton School of Architecture. Bootedge runs a newly found campus organization known as the “Transportation for Holistic Forums Leaning to Railways”, otherwise known as “8THFLR” to represent the eight founders of the club. “We have been told our ideas are radical, but we know that this is within the campus’s domain of feasibility,” Bootedge said about his new transportation plan, called “Drive Everywhere? Absolutely Repulsive! Trains Heal,” which they abbreviate as “DEARTH.” Bootedge outlined his plan: “We want to build a high-speed railway around all parts of campus, as this can not only allow for students to get to class in a breeze but can also allow for a more sustainable form of transportation.”

The electric train would be fueled entirely by the BBQ Pulled Pork Sandwiches from Neil (yes, that’s a thing) which no one eats. “Yeah, these sandwiches are actually garbage,” said Neil Neil, one of the employees at Marketplace on Neil. Neil, who is also in the 8THFLR organization as Executive Neil, wants to work with Bootedge to give these trains a robust power source using food. However, Neil is a little nervous about being able to implement the refueling process at all the train stops. “You see, Bootedge is planning to have multiple stops, which may cause an issue for refueling. Since the sandwiches are so mid, we are going to have to ship them to each stop with trucks, which is a bit counterintuitive.” Bootedge’s response was “Neil? Oh, don’t worry. I plan to include pulled pork dispensers at each station, as I have some… let’s just say ‘deals’ with uhm… external sources. But this does remind me, I want to outline the stations!”

Bootedge declared that there would be 6 instated across campus:

  • Main Station at the Ohio Union
  • Traditions at Scott
  • The Schottenstein Center
  • The ARC
  • The Abandoned Bravo! On West Campus
  • Midway

“Now, I know it’s a bit of a stretch, but I want to potentially add a station in the Orton Geological Library to give it a Grand Central Station vibe.” Bootedge said. When asked about expected expenses, Bootedge said, “At least 20, maybe 30, 30 and a half.” When asked for a specific amount, he did not specify. As he was leaving the interview, a piece of paper slipped out, and with all transparency, we saw that it was a check for 40 dollars from Applebee’s with a note attached saying “We are sorry about the Pork Sandwiches – please don’t use them for fuel.”

Written by Jackson Beam