In a sick and twisted turn of events, CampusParc is rolling out a new initiative for Pride Month: painting their parking meters rainbow. This act of performative allyship is a first for the evil corporation, hoping to capitalize on the booming Bad Queer Drivers market this Pride Month.
“We collect a disproportionately high percentage of our fines from twinks that can’t parallel park,” uttered CampusParc spokesman Simon Says. “It is time we appreciate those who give so much, but only for the thirty days of June! Slay and park away, queens!”
Initial reactions to the meters have been mixed from campus groups. The ACLU OSU chapter called it a “welcomed move to increase visibility of queer driver issues”, whereas TPUSA called for a proportionate share of “straight meters” to be installed alongside the repainted ones. When reached for comment, no representative could further explain what color is Straight, since “all the colors are in one or more pride flag(s).
Perhaps the most polemic statement was issued by the newly-formed gay leftist caucus Socialism is a Serve, who called the move “an unacceptable normalization of relations” with the capitalist organization. “No driver, gay or otherwise, shall be confined to the chains of the parking masters watching our every move. I hope others join us in our mission to liberate queer drivers campuswide.”
The meters are scheduled to be painted by underpaid and undercaffeinated butch lesbians “eventually, painfully slowly, over the next few days” and swiftly unpainted on July 1 at 6:00 AM SHARP. Mr. Says noted that “this timing was decided to comply with the university’s space policy,” and definitely not because queer people stop being lucrative for the CampusParc corporation after the summer solstice.
Written by Diego Phoyú