This week, the Ohio State Buckeyes will face off against their arch-nemesis the Michigan Wolverines in the most-anticipated game of the season. Ohio State fans seemingly have nothing to worry about, as the Buckeyes have totally obliterated every opponent they’ve faced so far (funeral services for the Rutgers team were held in Piscataway earlier this month). But it seems that Ohio State’s President Kristina M. Johnson doesn’t share this optimism.

The Sundial recently obtained a leaked copy of a speech prepared by President Johnson, which will be given only in the event of a surprise Michigan victory. Like President Richard Nixon’s famous unaired “Moon Landing Disaster” speech, the leaked document was written just in case of the worst-case scenario – except the moon landing is nowhere near as consequential as the upcoming Ohio State v. Michigan game.
The speech can be read below.

PRES. JOHNSON’S REMARKS IN EVENT OF MICHIGAN DISASTER

This is a sad day for our university; there’s no use denying it. But we did our best, and that’s what really matters (note to self: cross fingers while saying this). We thank our brave team for playing their best, and hope they know our support for them is not based on the outcome of any single match. We’ll still be revoking their athletic scholarships, though.

I want to assure everyone that I am as saddened by this defeat as you are. I feel your pain! Brutus Buckeye and I were so distraught that after the game we immediately headed to Ethyl to drown our sorrows, but we were refused entry after presenting fake IDs. Brutus was later involuntarily hospitalized after talking to the folks over at CSS. If anyone’s interested in being our new mascot, don’t hesitate to apply!

We should keep in mind that losing to Michigan two years in a row is not the worst thing in the world, although it’s definitely high on the list. It’s important for us to come together as a community to put this tragedy behind us. To ease the healing process, we’ve decided to allocate a further 50% of the university’s yearly budget to the football program. I can neither confirm nor deny the rumors that we were planning on doing this even if we’d beaten Michigan. To ensure our future success, I will personally be making a deal with the devil; we’re also looking into certain Aztec rituals that might be helpful.

We’re currently in the process of deciding whether we should keep Coach Ryan Day for another season, or if he should be replaced by Denzel Washington. It’s said that a football team is only as good as its coach, and we’ll be keeping this in mind as we decide Coach Day’s fate; we’ll also keep in mind that at least we didn’t lose 86-0, which has been our go-to silver lining for the past hundred years or so.

So although our hearts are heavy, we have no choice but to soldier on. We are a university community that isn’t distracted by small things like studying or succeeding academically; we “live by the football and die by the football”! Our blood runs scarlet and gray! (If your blood is actually gray, talk to your doctor.) And so I’m confident in saying that even though the future holds great challenges for us, we’ll simply avoid them and focus instead on beating Michigan next year. This is Kristina M. Johnson, signing off. Go Buckeyes!

Written by Wally Green, Contributor