Category National

Opinion: All I Want for Christmas is Revenge

As the year 2021 winds down and the Christmas season is upon us, it is important for us to look back at the year and remember all of those who have wronged us. Now, I hear you saying, “But Christmas… Continue Reading →

Artificial Christmas Tree Decorated Pre-December About to Go Apeshit

“FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!” The sentient artificial pine tree screamed at Matt Smith, junior at OSU. Not that Smith could hear it: measuring 12 inches in height from atop a plastic pedestal next to Smith’s… Continue Reading →

Man Rides In On Light-Up Unicycle Like Life of Party He Is

Sitting atop a light-up unicycle, fourth-year OSU student Tom Middlemint instantaneously became the life of the night when he rode into a house party on Saturday. “I’m a philosophy major and a scholar of the philosophy of life: I’ve given… Continue Reading →

Tragedy: This Sophomores Plant Just Died

Houston Tower’s 3rd floor has spent the past week in deep mourning as the only plant in a 300-foot radius finally kicked the bucket. “It never even had a fulfilling life,” Bradley Iverson, the former caretaker of the plant, lamented… Continue Reading →

Charity to Fund Netflix Documentary on Palestinian Conflict

No need to worry, everybody! Once you’re done binging your favorite shows, you’ll be able to finally catch up on some real world drama starting January 2022. Netflix has announced a cooperation with the Organization for Palestinian Relief and plans… Continue Reading →

Child Sues Yu-Gi-Oh! After Grandfather Not Resurrected by Monster Reborn Card Effect

On April 23rd, during a somber springtime evening, 11-year-old Arnold McKilsen attempted to revive his late grandfather, 81-year-old Bernard McKilsen, buried in Dennison Cemetery at Lewis Center, Ohio. However, upon activation of the Yu-Gi-Oh! Monster Reborn spell card, Arnold stood… Continue Reading →

Top 3 Cocktails To Get Fucked Up On This Tax Day

Whether you’ve been working multiple jobs this year or have been coasting on stimulus checks and your parents’ good will, filing your tax returns this year is sure to be a different experience than you’ve ever seen before. After finishing… Continue Reading →

President Biden’s Approval Rating Falls in Ohio After “The” Slip-Up

In this week’s visit to The James Cancer Hospital, President Joe Biden celebrated the eleventh anniversary of the passing of the Affordable Care Act, noting on its impact to the Columbus community.  However, the audience was shocked into silence as… Continue Reading →

Adorable Sleeping Cat Has No Guilt Over Corruption Crimes He About To Be Charged With

BRATTLEBORO, VT—Richard Mittens, last seen sleeping peacefully in his cute little cat bed, reportedly feels no guilt about the corruption crimes with which federal prosecutors will soon charge him. Said Mittens, “Zzzz…” in response to questions about how his owners… Continue Reading →

How I Went From Eating Meat Everyday To Only Eating Polly Pocket Clothes

It’s not easy being vegan. Take it from me—my food journey started nearly two years ago when my doctor called me after a routine appointment. I was not only shocked, but also appalled to learn that I had what’s known… Continue Reading →

Fraud Classics Professor Doesn’t Even Wear Tweed Jacket

Dozens of students enrolled in Classics 1101 have been demanding refunds since class started this semester, claiming that they were put in a class with a fraudulent professor. “I thought he was the real deal when he was giving us… Continue Reading →

Miss Universe Pageant Comes With A New Prize, Control Over An Island Nation

In addition to a supply of prizes, a luxurious New York City apartment, and a six-figure salary, this year’s Miss Universe winner will be carrying home a new prize – control over a small island nation in the Pacific and… Continue Reading →

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