Houston Tower’s 3rd floor has spent the past week in deep mourning as the only plant in a 300-foot radius finally kicked the bucket. “It never even had a fulfilling life,” Bradley Iverson, the former caretaker of the plant, lamented through enough tears to overwater even the thirstiest of succulents. “You know, between the Ohio State flag on the wall, the American flag on the other wall, and the ‘Saturdays are for the boys’ flag on the third wall, that little cactus was the only thing that could have possibly made our room’s vibes any better. And now… it’s only been a month, and… [The rest of his comment was unintelligible through his loud wailing and constant choking up]”. Fortunately, the life insurance policy Bradley had taken out provided him with $20, which should be more than enough to both ensure this plant will have a proper burial and get a new plant to “maybe fix the hole in my life that little guy left.”
–By Zach Levy, Editor-in-Chief