If you are anything like me, you have had the unfortunate pleasure of seeing Ohio State’s newest President, and human Teddy Bear, Walter “Ted” Carter on any of the OSU official social media platforms.
While Ted seems as though he is just a fever dream and not actually real, one day you may be unlucky enough to realize that he is a real boy in the worst way possible; walking past him at the Union.
In order to survive the unfortunate day in which you realize Ted Carter is a living, breathing, human being and not just your sleep paralysis demon making sure you don’t miss your 8am, you need to be prepared.
Here are some simple steps to make your encounter with Ted less stressful:
Tip #1: Stay Calm
While encountering Ted for the first time may be a little frightening and cause you to do a double take, it is important to Stay Calm. Like most animals, Ted Carter can smell fear on the students around him with crippling student loan debt. Your best plan of action when you wind up in this situation will be to stay calm and walk past Ted. The more calm you can keep your composure, the better in this situation.
Tip #2: Realize He Cannot Hurt You
Although there may be a chance that Ted is your sleep paralysis demon, upon meeting him in real life it is important to remind yourself that he cannot hurt you. Ted is just a person and there is no need to be scared of him. While approaching Ted, remember that you are okay and that Ted will not hurt you, at least physically, he may very well still hurt you financially.
Tip #3: Approach with Caution
If you decide that you would like to have a conversation with the famous Ted upon seeing him, approach with caution knowing that he has a lot of business to attend to. Discuss topics that Ted may enjoy such as asking about his old stories from the war and what he thinks of the weather today. Avoid discussing topics that may be too traumatic for Ted such as Michigan or how poorly our football team did in the last game. We also highly recommend, if you are brave enough to talk to Ted, inviting him to the next Sundial meeting, or at least asking him to check our emails.
Tip #4: Say nothing, add him on LinkedIn
If you are not brave enough to talk to Ted Carter in person, this tip is for you. Follow the first two tips as you walk past Ted Carter and as soon as you get out of his purview, add him as a connection on LinkedIn. If you are a guy, he very well may add you back. If you’re a girl, well, I think Ted likes to play favorites.
Tip #5: Join The Sundial
Lastly, the most important thing to remember if you see Ted Carter in the wild is that there is a community here at Ohio State who will support you in your recollection of your traumatic experience and allow you to joke about that experience. If you or a loved one ever meet Ted Carter in the wild, as soon as you get out of that experience go to the next Sundial meeting where Princess Sundial can cleanse you of the trauma of Ted.
Written by Nellie Moore