OSU recently unveiled plans for releasing porcupines into The Oval near Thompson Library. Melissa Rogers, a university spokesperson, believes that introducing porcupines will give students a better college experience.
“As I’m sure you all know, the oval is famous for the large swarms of squirrels residing on its grounds. Students love seeing the squirrels, and we think they’ll be even happier when they get a load of these porcupines,” Rogers asserted.
When asked about how many porcupines students should be expecting, Rogers gave a devilish smirk.
“Let’s just say it’s more than several dozen. We really went all out on this. You didn’t hear it from me, but we are looking at six figures worth of porcupines.”
For students who are feeling a bit apprehensive about the program, Rogers offered a word of comfort.
“Listen, if you’re scared of porcupines, I get that. So just think of them as pointy squirrels. At the end of the day, if you don’t bother the porcupines, they won’t bother you. Unless of course you’re carrying grape jelly, which these little critters really seem to like for some reason. Yeah, definitely try to avoid that if possible.”
After a few uncomfortable moments of silence, Rogers continued. “The porcupines are going to help us remain an attractive destination for students, and frankly, I reject the notion that this idea is frivolous in any capacity. The doubters will be proven wrong soon. . . very soon.” She then went on to quietly mutter “very soon” several more times before stopping.
In addition to today’s announcement, Rogers also stated that part of The Oval will be turned into a “safari zone”. This twenty-five square foot area is set to be populated by a skunk, an armadillo, and perhaps an ostrich if the university is lucky enough.
By Bryant S., Contributor