“FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!” The sentient artificial pine tree screamed at Matt Smith, junior at OSU. Not that Smith could hear it: measuring 12 inches in height from atop a plastic pedestal next to Smith’s… Continue Reading →
Tensions are rising after an organizer for last month’s campus blood drive was accused of “incompetence and disregard for human life” when it was discovered that several students had donated more than their single pint of blood. Specifically under fire… Continue Reading →
Sitting atop a light-up unicycle, fourth-year OSU student Tom Middlemint instantaneously became the life of the night when he rode into a house party on Saturday. “I’m a philosophy major and a scholar of the philosophy of life: I’ve given… Continue Reading →
OSU COLUMBUS CAMPUS – Edward Nosferatu led a protest last week demanding that starting next semester, OSU requires there to be 24/7 front door greeters stationed outside of all dorms. “It would make the campus a more welcoming place,” He… Continue Reading →
OSU COLUMBUS CAMPUS — Yelling through a megaphone, political science major Jerry Underwood stands right under the Thompson statue, garnering petition signatures to make the new Yandex Food Delivery Robots more menacing. “They are just too submissive”, explained Jerry, standing… Continue Reading →
COLUMBUS – Under a swarm of vandalism and violence by OSU students, the Yandex company has added the ability for their Grubhub robots to yell in terror and plead for their lives if attacked. “We predict a 76% decrease in… Continue Reading →
Houston Tower’s 3rd floor has spent the past week in deep mourning as the only plant in a 300-foot radius finally kicked the bucket. “It never even had a fulfilling life,” Bradley Iverson, the former caretaker of the plant, lamented… Continue Reading →
Tired of the pissing war between the Men’s Glee Club and the Agricultural Education Society, the Sundial Humor Magazine declares itself the oldest student organization here at Ohio State. “The Sundial Humor Magazine is so entrenched in this University’s history,… Continue Reading →
In a Tuesday email to all students, staff, and faculty, university President Kristina Johnson announced that all on-campus residents must be submissive and breedable by October 15th. Students who do not abide by this mandate will not be able to… Continue Reading →
In a stunning new report released by the Office of Student Life, officials completed a year-long $1.5 million dollar independent study that showed clear results labeling Traditions at Morrill the “least favorite dining hall” on the Columbus campus. “This just… Continue Reading →
No need to worry, everybody! Once you’re done binging your favorite shows, you’ll be able to finally catch up on some real world drama starting January 2022. Netflix has announced a cooperation with the Organization for Palestinian Relief and plans… Continue Reading →
On April 23rd, during a somber springtime evening, 11-year-old Arnold McKilsen attempted to revive his late grandfather, 81-year-old Bernard McKilsen, buried in Dennison Cemetery at Lewis Center, Ohio. However, upon activation of the Yu-Gi-Oh! Monster Reborn spell card, Arnold stood… Continue Reading →
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