After last season’s disappointing record (an NBA worst at 7-59), Charlotte Bobcats head coach Paul Silas and owner Michael Jordan officially introduced at a recent press conference the new 2012-2013 line-up. “To be blunt, we’re replacing our entire line-up with live bobcats,” Jordan announced.

D.J. Augustin was noticeably disappointed by the announcement. “I understand that we had a bad record, “ Augustin said. “But to replace us with feral cats seems a bit extreme.” The new team was traded from the Riverside Zoo a few miles just outside of Charlotte. D.J. Augustin, who can be found enclosed behind glass at the ‘Wild Cats’ exhibit, now finds solace with his complimentary tire swing and daily raw meat.

Paul Silas offered some encouraging words after their impressive preseason victory (3-0) over the Miami Heat. “This new team just tore them to pieces,” Silas said. “The woyrked in sync, playing ferocious defense and working together to stop the Big Three.”

During the scrimmage, LeBron James was tossed an alley-oop from Dwyane Wade, but mid-flight, he was blocked by the Bobcats’ new center, Mittens. Shortly after the flagrant one, Mittens pounced on James, dislocating his left shoulder completely off, earning Mittens his second flagrant foul (an automatic ejection from the game). James was later labeled inactive for not having all of his limbs before season play.

Silas said he was a little disappointed by the number of technicals his team received. “They just need to hone their skill and not just murder their opponents out there,” Silas said. “I’m all for tenacious D, but that shouldn’t include literally using one’s teeth or claws.”

In a recent interview with star power-forward Bubbles, he was short for words, but very excited to start regular season play. So excited, in fact, that he toyed with our boom mic for nearly a half hour before taking a nap.

“I think what I’m most excited about is our new line of merchandise,” Jordan explained, “the most popular of which includes our line of Charlotte Bobcats mace.” When questioned about the most recent ‘Meet the Team’ event, Jordan offered no comment.

Last month, at a ‘Meet the Team’ event held at the Time Warner Cable Arena, hundreds of fans were attacked and severely injured by the new Charlotte Bobcats line-up. Families of the affected were offered $5 off coupons at the next Bobcats game for nachos.

–Evan Abraham, Staff-Writer