As I sit alone in my dorm’s study room every night I am contributing to the destruction of the world. Every girly scream that comes out of my weakling mouth is another step towards a horrible fate for mankind.

I believe it was Shakespeare that first said “this bitch needs more context.” It was Saturday night, September 7th 2013, and as an introvert I was excited for some free time. No Jazz band, no English papers, no Physics Homework, no people to get food with; I was alone and on my computer was a shiny new game called OUTLAST. (Please note that this game had no physical copy so nothing was actually shiny.)

After a day of sleeping in (until 2 in the afternoon), eating with the Knipe family (they were in town for the weekend), and organizing my student organization’s first meeting (EDITOR: Kelli, do not advertise your organization in your articles); I was ready to play the $20 gift I gave to myself.

Those $20 could have gone to feeding the homeless. Those $20 could have given a starving African child water. Those $20 could have fixed the hole in Earth’s ozone layer. Instead, I decided to spend $20 on a videogame that would persuade (see: force) me to dirty my underwear.

At the time of writing this article I have lost an average of three hours of sleep each night due to playing this game past my personal bedtime. Oddly, I don’t regret any of the sleep that I have lost; I play that game for two hours and then I lay in bed for an hour convincing myself that nothing is going to eat me. That game immerses me in a world that only H.P. Lovecraft would find himself comfortable in.

What I do regret though is the cultural practices to which games like these attribute themselves too, and I am warning you that these practices could shape the future in tragic ways. Pay attention, the fate of the world is in your hands. I have already failed.

You see, now I am jumping to the present, which for me is right now and for you (the reader) is 9/13/2013, the day I wrote this article. The reason I am making this leap in narrative time is to create this illusion of complexity even though what you are reading is a piece of… moving on to the present. This article is deep and totally makes sense.

Last night (9/12/13), as I played OUTLAST in my dorm’s study room (in the dark, by myself), I was visited by a traveler from another universe. He appeared in a glorious flash of light that held new worlds of color and repeated the sounds of creation. The sight of this appearance could drive a man insane and at the same time it would show him the meaning of existence. (EDITOR: Please stop copying Doctor Who, we at the sundial seem to have done that enough.)

At least that’s what the traveler said, because he appeared behind me while I was playing my game. I didn’t see or hear him until he touched my shoulder. His first words to me were monumental as I turned around to see him.

“Where are the lights in here, idiot?”

“Hold on, I’ll get them.”

When I turned on the lights I found myself standing in the middle of the study room. At this point I thought I had gone crazy. From this point on I’ll refer to the traveler as “Otherme” so this doesn’t get too confusing. Yes, this traveler was essentially me, or a clone of me you could say.

“Listen, before you freak out, you have to hear what I have to say.”

“I’m listening, go on.”

Otherme just kind of looked at me for a second. During that second I noticed the clothes he had on. His Torso was adorned with a short robe while his privates were barely covered by a banana hammock.

Besides that he was just a skinnier, sexier version of me. I’d do him, err, me.

“Wow, this universe must suck compared to the others.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s not important. What is important is that you heed this warning of a dark and terrible future, and make sure that you, Oscar Augustus Knipe, do all that you can to change this world’s course of history!”

“My name is Kelli.”

“Really?”

“Yeah?”

“Umm, okay.”

At this point we stopped talking for a second. I decided to lock the door so that nobody would walk in and see me talking to myself. I’m not crazy. (EDITOR: The sundial is about reporting the truth; don’t lie about your mental state.)

“…So, this warning and all that?”

“Oh yeah! Yeah, uhh, hold on” from behind him a long brown furry snake-like thing gave him a laminated piece of paper “here it is!” At the sight of that my eyes became billiard balls.

“Whatthehellisthat!?”

“It’s a piece of paper.”

“No, that brown thing!”

“Ha! You act as if you’ve never seen a tail before!”

Again, we stopped the conversation for a second. Otherme cleared his throat.

“This message is to warn all alternate universes about the danger that is Survival Horror. Survival horror gives nerds bragging rights, which to maintain social order they must have none!”

“What?”

“You see, if the most intelligent clique of the population becomes aware of the fact that they too can compete against each other with the experiences that they have had, their world will fall into chaos. College football will replaced by Russian Roulette, restaurants will only offer spicy food challenges, and people will start playing drinking games during their lunch breaks!”

“So you’re saying the world will devolve into a bunch of children saying ‘you won’t do it, no balls’?”

“Yes, civilization as you know it will fall!”

This is the point I decided to start using common sense, because this was the part that defied all logical thought.

“So you expect me to believe that you are from another universe, and that the world is going to become so immature that society will be ruined?”

“I bet that many people would believe both those things.”

“I’ve just gone off the deep end haven’t I? Name one person, just one person, stupid enough to believe all this bullshit.”

“I’m sorry, I must be on my way to save more worlds. Take this piece of paper and follow its instructions as best you can.”

“Not even one person?”

“Your Editor.”

That’s when I saw it; our world toppled by immaturity, stupidity, and horror videogames. All I could do was watch as he left through a portal that appeared out of thin air.

Still as I write this, the words Otherme left me with when he went to another world persist in my mind.

“Your world is fucked, YOLO!”

(EDITOR: Kelli, please do not use YOLO in your articles.)

–Kelli Knipe, Contributor 

#swag