Humans are very interesting creatures. We are highly resourceful, capable of great feats of the mind, enduring, adaptable, admirable, and then there’s that whole having opposable thumbs thing. Yet, for all our great achievements, we must concede that in one area we are hopelessly, shamefully inept: mating.

While remarkable in our use of heightened forms of communication, these very same verbal skills have limited our ability to get what we truly desire (“some”). Thus society has doomed itself to struggle through such horrors as reading text messages with improper inflections which warp the entire meaning, over-analyzing exactly how his/her face looked at that precise moment when he/she did whatever he/she did (while seeking help from the experts at Cosmo), and conversations that abruptly end with, “It’s not so much what you said, but the way you said it.”

In short, the average sloth gets more action than we do.

Clearly, the best and only way to renovate the dating world is through following the example set by our more successful animal counterparts and returning to the basics. Keep it plain and simple. Because we here at the Sundial care about our fellow romantic lovers, enclosed you will find a brief summary of the newest and most fool-proof methods for wooing.

First Impressions

Looking at any lawn in suburban America will tell you that, if any animal knows a thing or two about love, it is man’s best friend. We turn to him now for advice on how to make a good first impression. Once you’ve seen the object of your affection, move towards her and stand resolutely in her path. Don’t make eye contact; that would be weird. You cannot speak. Panting is purely optional. Wait until the atmosphere becomes sufficiently awkward before giving her a good sniff and walking away. Where you sniff is also entirely up to you. The main point is that you have displayed your interest alongside the slightest touch of indifference with the efficiency that only eHarmony has yet managed to master.

*It should be noted that, in studies, females have responded negatively to being the object when one “marks his territory”. Researchers are baffled as to why that is, but they do suggest that you should steer clear of this particular doggish act for now.

Small Talk

You know your target, now what? Get her attention. Single yourself out as clear choice for a potential mate. Borrowing from nature’s little Romeo, the parrot, your best bet would be to sing. Not “good” singing; that’s predictable and ridiculous. Instead, squawk. Loudly. If you know her name, squawk that. If not, make one up. She’ll pick up on it eventually. Add in some dancing. Head bobbing and side-stepping are always a good idea. If you’re feeling especially fancy, show off your talent by throwing in a few little kicks. It’s gold.

Flirting

Look at that, suddenly the entire room is staring at you! Aren’t you manly? She’s impressed, which for some reason also resembles a mixture of disgust and fear. Don’t worry, that’s normal. The female is a shy creature who will not at first display her interest, but trust me, she digs it. What’s next? The fun stuff, also known as PDA. Skip the hand holding or silly arm touching, which can be so easily misconstrued, and go straight for the kill – her hair. Girls love it when strange men touch their hair. Feel free to root around and ingest any lingering insects or dirt that she may have acquired. It’s a rare occurrence, but if you do happen to find any, you may want to stop and consider why you are so attracted to someone who clearly never showers, but this is, as always, a judgment-free zone.

The First Date

Odds are that by now that you’ve received some sort of blow to the face. That is, of course, the very best thing that could happen. Allow me to elaborate: the great vixen of the animal world is actually not the vixen herself, but rather the black widow spider. This little creature is particularly known for devouring her significant other after coitus. No, the object of your affection isn’t going to eat you just now; you haven’t done the deed yet, but any hint of aggression on her side is surely a good sign. She’s definitely thinking about it, which basically means you’re in.

So, congratulations! You’ve successfully transformed yourself from “random nobody” to “skilled lover” and tonight you are likely to achieve the ultimate goal of being eaten (or being the eater, dependent on your preferences in sexual escapades).

Good on you, chap. Good on you.

-Jackie Shreves, Contributor