Hello, beloved readers of The Sundial. The stars and planets and even a particularly confused quasar have spoken to me and revealed your futures. All twelve of them. Because there are only twelve distinct futures that you, dear reader, can possibly have. That’s just physics. Without further ado, here are your fates:
Aquarius- You will accidentally say something racist-sounding really loud in public and be met with cold stares even though you like, totally didn’t mean it that way!
Pisces- You will be inspired by something beautiful. (In bed!)
Aries- Stop playing Sims and start working on your real life.
Taurus- Your humanities professor will fumble with a piece of technology he does not understand for the first 20 minutes of class. Do not offer help.
Gemini- You will sit down to do your homework and end up watching every episode of Breaking Bad there’s ever been.
Cancer- You will order a limited airstrike against a small middle-eastern country in the midst of a civil war, despite how unpopular the move is on the domestic front.
Leo- Hey, did you do something with your hair? No? I don’t know, there’s just something different about you. Like, you’re fresher or something. You know what I mean?
Virgo- You will not get laid.
Libra- To your left! DUCK!!
Scorpio- It’s… it’s better that you not know. Just… just sit down, eat your favorite meal, call your family, and try to relax and enjoy yourself.
Sagittarius- You will not get lucky with the Virgo. It’s just not in the stars. Try the Pisces- she’s totally easy.
Capricorn- You will receive a dickpic from Anthony Wiener.
-Ben Fogle, Contributor