Controversy erupted last week after Father Michael Callahan of the St. Thomas More Newman Center irreversibly turned Mirror Lake to blood.
A new biblical plague followed each subsequent day with: a colony of frogs, lice in all of the RPAC locker rooms, a hailstorm, a cow that had babies on the Oval, Kristina Johnson, a reopened Bullwinkle’s and a swarm of locusts rising up from the blood-tinged waters
This revival of biblical plagues began when Callahan was told that students filling out the interest form at the Student Involvement Fair were actually just doing so in order to get a free plant.
“I can’t believe that such good young people would choose to bamboozle us in this way,” Callahan said. “I remember having a particularly spirited conversation with a young woman wearing hijab about the importance of free religious expression, but I haven’t seen her at a single youth praise revival!”
Callahan said that the plagues will continue until everyone of the people who filled out an interest form shows a genuine interest in exploring a strictly orthodox Catholic lifestyle.
“I have a list of over one hundred names who have yet to come to by the center, not even for the service aimed at students that we do at seven in the morning, so they have time to sleep in.”
Callahan also said that it appears several students filled out the form multiple times in order to get away with more plants.
“We have several rather uncommon names that appear a large number of times, such as Seymour Butz, Michael Hunt, Anita Hanjaab and Ezra Miller.”
According to the center’s online calendar of events the next two plagues to be featured will be a widespread outbreak of gonorrhea and an army of pro-life protesters staging multiple small group bible studies across campus outdoor recreation spaces.
Written by Owen Phillips, Staff Writer