COLUMBUS, OH — Late Tuesday night, an intern within The Ohio State University’s administration leaked a voice memo to The Sundial regarding President “Ted” Carter Jr’s plans to ‘Trans the Squirrels.’
According to the unnamed intern, the memo was recorded during a fierce argument regarding policies between the current president and his advisor behind closed doors. Along with mentions of raising tuition to fund Brutus’ $50,000 bonus and adding eyelashes to Grubhub Delivery Robots, president Carter Jr. went on a tangent regarding a plan to “Trans the Squirrels” held in the catacombs underneath University Hall.
“Goddamnit, this is my life’s goal, this is what I was hired to do,” Ted Carter Jr stated within one of the intelligible fifteen-second snippets in the audio recording. “I’ve trapped hundreds of those rats underneath University Hall since the board [of trustees] tapped me to replace Kristina. You have no idea how important this is to me.”
The intern explained that Walter “Ted” Carter Jr. had personally entrapped three-hundred and forty-six squirrels, taken from the Columbus campus and the greater Columbus area, within the basement of University Hall. Using funds from his recent bonus, the president had purchased three-hundred ounces of testosterone and estrogen and stored it within a janitor’s closet.
“His advisors have been grilling him about his plan to ‘trans’ imprisoned immigrant squirrels,” the intern stated, preferring to keep their identity anonymous. “I thought it might’ve been a roundabout way of providing gender affirming care for transgender students on the student health plan, but no. The guy is just nuts.”
When contacted by The Sundial reporters, the Office of the President declined to comment.
Written by Grey Romohr