Are you home for Winter break? Are you concerned about leaving your dorm room completely unprotected? If you’re not worried, you should be! According to University-released statistics, over 90% of dorm rooms are broken into over the holiday season – and not just by Santa. An empty dorm is the dream of every would-be thief. But there’s an easy and affordable way to protect your property and secure your piece of mind – the all-new Sundial Security System, available now for only $4,999.99!
Our four-step system begins with an extensive security detail posted outside the entrance to your dorm 24/7; this includes a pack of bloodthirsty German Shepherds who are specially trained to take out any passing reindeer. And for no extra cost, we’ll turn Rudolph into fresh venison for you and your family to enjoy!
The second part is a cool-looking laser grid that only the most flexible of gymnasts would be able to navigate. Jolly old Saint Nick will break his hip trying to get past this!
In case intruders are somehow able to get past the dogs and the lasers, they will surely be stopped in their tracks when poison gas, fresh from Ypres, is released into the room. A Christmas miracle!
And if somehow all that isn’t enough, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson will emerge from his hiding-place under the bed to personally destroy anyone foolhardy enough to break into your room – including Santa Claus!
So don’t wait; act fast! Purchase your brand-new Sundial Security System, available now for only $4,999.99*!
*Shipping and handling not included.
Written by Wally Green, Staff Writer