HELLO, POTENTIAL EMPLOYER OF E.J.S.,

I see you stumbled upon this page while conducting a cursory Google search to make sure this respectable, young lad isn’t a felon, pornstar, or something far worse, like the member of a Glee cover band. I mean, seriously, a Glee cover band? That doesn’t even make sense. That’s like being a member of a cover band of a cover band. It’s simply unacceptable. Foolish. Wrong. For Pete’s sake, the whole show is them covering pop songs. Just start a regular cover band, Derrick!

I just wanted a normal secretary, that would come in every day, take my phone calls, and then forget to tell me about them. That way when people asked me why I didn’t return their call, I’d have a valid excuse. “I’m sorry, my secretary is a dope,” I’d say, “but he has tenure, and you know how it is.” Now, in retrospect, I realize that that’s not how tenure works, and I could fire him for virtually any reason I deem fit, but that’s not really the point. The point is: he can’t even screw things up correctly. Instead, every time I get a call, he comes wandering into my office and hands me a sticky note with all the relevant information on it, all the while singing an off-key version of “Don’t Stop Believing”.  And when I ask him to please stop singing Journey songs in my office, he doesn’t just shut up like a normal person. He says, “I’m singing the Glee version”. What the hell is that? That’s not how this works, Derrick! I’m your employer. You’re supposed to just do what I say. Have some respect!… But he has tenure, and you know how it is.

I’m sorry, I almost forgot to introduce myself. I’m Michael V. Drake, President of The Ohio State University, and, as very few people know, the Official Biographer of The Sundial. And, although my bios for the fine writers, who have passed through this great organization, are often hastily written and comedic in nature, this one is deadly seriously. I’m talkin’ a 007, cold-blooded killer of a bio. Ice cold. No funny business. Surgical-grade serious.

E.J.S. is not only frighteningly intelligent and horrifyingly attractive, he’s also a terrifyingly hard worker. You might as well just give the money you would have spent on horror film tickets to him as a raise, because this kid is going to scare the bajebus out of you. How many Political Science majors do you know that are not only proficient in Microsoft Word and Microsoft Excel but also able to brew a sick cup of coffee? Did I hear, “Hired”? You’ll thank me later. I promise he’s nothing like Derrick, WHO STILL HASN’T BROUGHT ME MY CLUB SANDWICH. And I know he’ll excel in each area mentioned in your silly job description. Plus several other areas you didn’t even know existed.

With an overwhelming amount of sincerity,
Michael V. Drake