Hi there! It’s voice actor turned singer-songwriter Keith Barnes with another holiday classic! If you loved Elves on Strike, Let’s Meet Under the Mistletoe for Sex, or The Persistent Carolers, I’d like to share with you a little Hanukkah tune I wrote.* I’m not too sure how it came out, but hey, I’ve got kids to buy presents for and cockfighting debts to pay off.**
“The Latkes in the Pan”
by Keith Barnes
All through the house there is that smell
Latkes frying in an old pan
The grease is boiling and very hot
Suddenly some jumps, it hits my chest
Ow, ow, ow! Christ that burns! Ow, ow, ow! Christ that burns!
Come on please honey, quick, quick, quick
Get me some Goddamn ice right now fast
Why was I cooking with no shirt?
Oh, it’s singed my chest hair
Please Jane I need the ice and fast
Ice should not take so much damn time
Crap, crap, crap! Please do not cry! Crap, crap, crap! Please do not cry!
You were just kind of slow, slow, slow.
And this deep burning hurts so very much.
Please don’t leave crying ‘cause of me
Oh, you know that the holidays suck
I am an awful host for this thing
Your Mom and Dad hate me so much
Ow, ow, ow! Grease really burns! Ow, ow, ow! Grease really burns!
Now I am alone, damn, damn, damn
Time for the whiskey straight from the bottle
*We are legally required to inform readers that Keith Barnes merely re-wrote the lyrics to Up on the Housetop.
**The Sundial does not support or condone Keith Barnes’ private choice to engage in the inhumane sport of “cockfighting” or any other illegal competitions in which he may take part.
-Kyle Marks, Staff-Writer