Dear Christmas Fans,
Christmas is my least favorite time of the year. Everyone is always so happy and running around shopping and singing and I’m just sitting here fearing for my life. I can’t go a day from Thanksgiving through December without hearing children and adults singing all about roasting my nuts. I turn on the radio, “Chet’s nuts roasting on an open fire”. A church group shows up at my house and they’re screaming, “Chet’s nuts roasting!” I go to the grocery store to stock up on Ramen and there’s even a sell on Chet-nuts! How many Chet’s have lost their lives to this horrific Christmas classic? I’m sure I’m next. I mean I haven’t even heard of anyone else having this name so it has to be me. Everywhere I go during this time I see Nutcrackers being sold or on signs in the windows of stores. Are you people taunting me? Is this some kind of sick joke? And I’m not only concerned with my own safety, what about the little boys you people continuously use as drums? That is so sick. I’m sorry I just don’t get these strange traditions. Like why is there this obsession with Noelle? How are you so sure that she was the first girl with that name? I mean it is fairly common! One more thing about Christmas is the fact that you named a song “Silent Night” like obviously a night won’t be too silent if you keep blasting this insane music! Hopefully this letter has opened some eyes as to how sick and twisted this holiday is. I have to get back to my Christmas hibernation of hiding from anything green, red, or merry for another couple weeks.
Happy Holidays and leave my nuts alone!
Chet
-Lauren Moliterno, Contributor