In the hopes that it will put us on the Nice List, we at The Sundial would like to bring you a transcript of Santa’s suit against a devious impersonator.
Case No. 4009023
Claus v. Reynolds
North Pole Court of Common Pleas
December 20, 2013
THE COURT: Does the plaintiff wish to cross-examine the witness?
MR. BLITZEN: We do your honor.
THE COURT: Proceed.
MR. BLITZEN: Thank You. Mr. Reynolds, you were at the Woodlands Mall on the afternoon of December the 8th, 2012, correct?
MR. CLAUS: Nail him like a stocking!
THE COURT: Order! Dammit, I will not have a repeat of yesterday Mr. Claus! Proceed Mr. Blitzen.
Mr. BLITZEN: Were you at the mall on that date?
MR. REYNOLDS: Yes.
MR. BLITZEN: And you were dressed in this red outfit, beard, and wig, correct?
MR. REYNOLDS: Correct.
MR. BLITZEN: Let the record reflect that the defendant identified Exhibit A, the costume labeled “Jolly Holiday Gift-Giver” from Harry’s Costume Emporium, as the outfit he was wearing on the afternoon of December 8th, 2012.
MR. BLITZEN: Now, Mr. Reynolds, you were sitting in a chair that day, weren’t you?
MR. REYNOLDS: Well yeah, there’s always a chair. Every year.
MR. BLITZEN: So you admit to doing this more than one year?
MR. REYNOLDS: Of course, the pay is good, and it makes me happy.
MR. CLAUS: The naughty list is too good for you, you son of a bitch!
THE COURT: Order! Order in the court! This is a court of yuletide law! Continue Mr. Blitzen.
MR. BLITZEN: Now, in that red suit and on that chair you spoke to several children, correct?
MR. REYNOLDS: That’s the job. The kids sit on my lap, and I ask, “Why don’t you tell Santa what you want for Christmas?”
MR. BLITZEN: So you actually introduced yourself as Mr. Claus?
MR. REYNOLDS: Of course, that’s whom the kids come to see.
MR. BLITZEN: Kids like nine-year-old Tommy McGrady. I would like to direct the court’s attention to Exhibit B, Tommy’s letter to Santa dated December 1, 2013. It reads: “Dear Santa, I hope you get me Call of Duty this Christmas, like you didn’t last year. You promised you would but didn’t. I was very good and you promised but you didn’t get me Call of Duty. My older sister Virginia says there is no Santa and I think I believe her.” Now, Mr. Reynolds, did you or did you not promise Tommy McGrady Call of Duty?
MR. REYNOLDS: I told him if he were a good boy, Santa would bring him something extra special.
MR. CLAUS: Liar! I see you when you’re sleeping! I’ll come down your chimney in the middle of the night and throttle you with tinsel!
THE COURT: Mr. Claus this is your last warning! One more outburst like that and I will find you in contempt of court! Control your client Mr. Blitzen!
MR. BLITZEN: I apologize your Honor. Mr. Reynolds, do you operate a toy-making shop at the North Pole?
MR. REYNOLDS: No, that’s ridiculous. I’m just a retired schoolteacher.
MR. BLITZEN: And, Mr. Reynolds, do you employ an army of toy-making elves?
MR.GRINCH: Objection your Honor, relevance?
MR. BLITZEN: Your Honor, I’d like to cite Claus v. Coca-Cola.
THE COURT: Overruled, but you better be getting somewhere fast Mr. Blitzen.
MR. BLITZEN: Would you like me to restate the question?
MR. REYNOLDS: That’s not necessary. No, I do not employ any elves.
MR. BLITZEN: And, Mr. Reynolds, you don’t own a sleigh driven by magical reindeer capable of visiting every Christian in a single night?
MR. REYNOLDS: No, dammit, I don’t!
MR. BLITZEN: Then why were you making promises to said Christians?
Mr. REYNOLDS: I
MR. BLITZEN: Promises you could not possibly have hoped to keep.
MR. REYNOLDS: I just
MR. BLITZEN: And all while identifying yourself as my client, Santa Roberto Claus. Why Mr. Reynolds?
MR. REYNOLDS: Listen, it was just a j
MR. CLAUS: Die you sack of elf shit!
(At this point in the trial Santa Claus removed a sharpened candy cane he had concealed in his beard and lunged from the plaintiff’s table towards the witness. It took three court bailiffs to restrain him.)
THE COURT: Order! Mr. Claus I hereby find you in contempt of this court! This trial is adjourned and will reconvene at 10’o clock Monday morning, with Mr. Claus restrained in a wreath for the court’s safety. Dismissed.
-Kyle Marks, Staff-Writer