COLUMBUS — A new study conducted by the Ohio State University Department of Psychology has resulted in groundbreaking insights regarding CrossFit and why its participants feel obligated to tell every living entity in earshot all about it. Similar to previous studies interested in trends like veganism and being a “Social Media Influencer”, this study first aimed to see if CrossFit was actually a real thing. Turns out, it is. Once researchers discovered this, they knew that they had to take drastic measure to further understand why people that did CrossFit were acting this way. “It’s weird, man,” says Kevin James, project researcher and grad student in sports psychology at OSU. “Usually when people workout they don’t really talk about it, but with CrossFit it’s different: it’s clear that CrossFitters end their workout with a strong feeling of obligation to share the workout on social media. And, off of the record, we basically set out to figure out why the hell these people think that everyone cares about their workout program.”
The studies had shocking results across the board. In the animal trials, mice were given choice between food, cocaine, and pressing the “share” button to share a CrossFit workout on social media. However, mice who were subject to a 3-week RPAC membership and CrossFit programming tended to choose to post their CrossFit on social media over both food and cocaine. It seems that the high felt after sharing a CrossFit workout on the internet feels way better than snorting the devil’s dandruff, even if you’re a mouse.
The studies performed with human subjects indicated similar results. Even though the human participants (n=161) unfortunately couldn’t be offered cocaine due to budget constraints, it was found that even after 1-2 workouts, participants self-image was altered, self-restraint diminished, and the number of fitness hashtags included in their posts increased by as much as 150%. When we asked Kevin James what the next steps were, he was fairly optimistic. “I think we learned a lot here. I’m going to re-up on some more blow so we can get things popping again, and maybe we’ll be able to find out why people who do CrossFit have to tell everyone they know about it. Maybe we can figure out what’s wrong with the vegans next.” Hopefully, enough funds will be allocated to Dr. James’ lab so that both humans and mice can help us figure out how severe this epidemic is, and how to help those affected one line at a time.