Earlier this morning, the University revealed plans to build a real-life ‘Jurassic Park’ on West Campus. The initiative was made possible after researchers in the Department of Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering discovered a method of extracting dinosaur DNA from fossilized amber. Although the genome strands were incomplete after millions of years of deterioration, the scientists were able to “fill in the gaps” using squirrel DNA. It was announced that Ohio State’s Jurassic Park would feature iconic dinosaurs such as Triceratops, Stegosaurus, and Brontosaurus.
However, some have opposed the University’s decision to also include carnivores such as Tyrannosaurus and Velociraptor, amid fears they will endanger the student population. Professor Ian Malcolm of Ohio State’s Pessimism Department commented, “Our current understanding of the inherently chaotic workings of the natural world prophesize an unfathomable disaster if the park were to open. To put it simply, this is the single shittiest idea in the history of shit ideas. Kids are going to get eaten.”
These concerns were shrugged off by new University President Brutus Buckeye, who responded, “There are too many students on campus anyway; it would benefit everyone if some of our less-bright pupils got devoured by dinosaurs. My advisors tell me natural selection is a whole lot cheaper than starting a campus eugenics program, so really it’s a win-win for everyone.”
Ohio State’s 4 Paws for Ability program, which allows student volunteers to live with and train therapy dogs, has already agreed to expand their program to include dinosaurs. Additionally, the Office of Student Life has announced they will be replacing the Grubhub food delivery robots with specially-trained dinosaurs. “Using dinosaurs is cheaper, more environmentally friendly, and cooler in every way!” declared Zia Ahmed, Senior Director of Dining Services. “Before we were looking into the possibility of using flying drones to deliver food, but now I think we’ll use Pterodactyls instead. Of course, we anticipate meeting some resistance to our new programs from PETA, who’ll probably say we’re mistreating the animals or violating their rights or something. To be honest, we don’t give a fuck.”
Construction on the park is expected to begin early next semester. If you are interested in a work-study job, you may be eligible to join the construction team. If you are looking for a less time-consuming but higher-paid position, the University is also seeking students that are willing to serve as human bait for the Velociraptors.
Written by Wally Green