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Opinion: Ohio State needs to be more Communist

To be frank, although I’m part of the working class, I don’t give a damn about the plight of the proletariat. Nor do I care about punishing the bourgeoisie, or anyone else decried in the Communist Manifesto. What I do… Continue Reading →

New to campus? Here’s a helpful guide to surviving your first year at Ohio State

There’s no speed limit on the Oval, so feel free to put the pedal to the metal! For male students, using an umbrella is regarded as a clear sign of homosexuality. The highest rates of depression recorded on campus belong… Continue Reading →

Digital Flagship to Distribute Samsung Smart Fridges to New Students

Dear Buckeyes, As the summer sun reluctantly begins its descent, we can already hear the collective sighs of pool floaties and ice cream trucks bidding farewell to their seasonal reign. But fear not, for here at The Ohio State University,… Continue Reading →

Ohio State Lore for New Students

Kristina M. Johnson was forced to resign after her affair with Monica Lewinsky went public. Most incidents of academic misconduct investigated by COAM are attributed to students visiting coolmathgames.com CampusParc is a scam.  The North Campus Clock Tower was a… Continue Reading →

Roommates 101

With the Autumn 2023 semester right around the corner, some newcomers may be afraid of the idea of a roommate. It can be very scary rooming with someone you’ve never met before, especially if you’re naturally introverted. Here are five… Continue Reading →

Welcome to Ohio State! Fun Facts for Freshmen

William Oxley Thompson, Ohio State’s fifth president, did not speak English. 81 percent of students in the Fisher College of Business admit to picking their major after watching The Wolf of Wall Street.  Due to a football shortage, the 1953… Continue Reading →

North Campus Clock Tower Declared “8th Wonder of the World”

I saw in a recent edition of The Lantern that the Tom W. Davis Clock Tower on North Campus has been named the 8th Wonder of the World. Good; it definitely deserves the title. Now let me tell you why…. Continue Reading →

Top 5 Campus Cults for Freshmen

Congrats, you’re officially a Buckeye! Your first semester is going to be great, we promise – but it can also be a little difficult if you don’t have the right support system. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of the… Continue Reading →

Man Who Doesn’t Go Down on his Girlfriend Hated The Barbie Movie

Writer-Director Greta Gerwig celebrated the release of her new Barbie movie this past weekend. The Barbie Movie, created in collaboration with toy-maker Mattel, earned an estimated $162 million over its opening weekend. The film is full of dreamy shades of… Continue Reading →

It’s Official: Disney’s Moving to Ohio State!

After months of bullying and harassment by Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, Disney has had enough. Earlier this week the entertainment company announced they would be relocating Walt Disney World from Orlando to The Ohio State University’s Columbus campus. “We’re truly… Continue Reading →

Opinion: Gone Girl’s Amy Dunne is the Ideal Woman

She’s smart. She’s sexy. She’s sophisticated. She’s willing to fight (and kill!) for her man. Who else can say that? The back of her head looks nice. She’s a pretty cool girl. She adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping…. Continue Reading →

University “Shocked” by Student Mental Health Crisis, Promises to do “Nothing”

Earlier this week, Ohio State University administrators commented on a recent report detailing the student mental health crisis on campus. “While we commiserate with our students and feel some sympathy for them, we see no reason to expend more of… Continue Reading →

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