Congrats, you’re officially a Buckeye! Your first semester is going to be great, we promise – but it can also be a little difficult if you don’t have the right support system. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of the top 5 campus cults for you to join, so this school year you’ll be sure to make lifelong friends and memories!
- High Street Survival Squad
Between the frequent muggings and the struggle of finding your way home while blackout drunk, surviving a night out on High Street is a challenge for every Ohio State student. The High Street Survival Squad was formed so that like-minded students could support each other while out on the town. Probably the best perk of joining this cult is that you don’t need to invest in a fake ID; a mob of your fellow club members can simply bully the bouncers into letting you into virtually any High Street bar.
- Society of Highly Intellectual Tree Sodomizers
One of the fine campus traditions that sets Ohio State apart from other universities is centered around the majestic trees on the Oval. These gentle green giants provide more than just shelter from the sun’s rays; on brisk, quiet mornings or dark, sacred nights, students can enjoy ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.. Just don’t forget to get tested afterward!
- Traditions Food Poisoning Support Group
“Wow, the chicken at Scott’s today is so tasty and well-cooked!” said no Ohio State student, ever. You are statistically more likely to be struck by lightning than you are to eat a piece of fully-cooked chicken at one of Ohio State’s Traditions dining locations. But you are not alone. Other victims are out there, and they are ready to both give and receive support.
- Turning Point USA
Probably the least controversial cult on this list, TPUSA is well-known on campus for their frequent rallies led jointly with the Columbus chapter of the Ku Klux Klan. Although in the past the majority of their members were WASPs, nowadays they’re much more diverse. “We welcome people from all walks of life,” declared TPUSA President Ben Shapiro. “Except for the blacks. And the gays. And the Chinamen. And…” To apply for membership, you must simply show that you’ve been tattooed with Odin’s Cross. Preference will be given to applicants who were indicted as a result of their actions on January 6th, 2021.
- The Sundial Humor Magazine
No list of campus cults would be complete without the most notorious of them all – the famed yet controversial Sundial. No one really knows what they do, but rumors abound of larger-than-life frat parties and wild, drunken orgies on the Oval. There’s really only one way to find out…
To join, simply head north of Thompson Library to the real-life sundial (which the magazine is named after). At exactly midnight, slice open your right hand on the sundial’s edge and chant “Bloody Brutus” three times. At this point, the Sundial’s Editor-in-Chief will rise from beneath the ground to accept your immortal soul as proof of fealty. Welcome to the club!
Written by Kristina Johnson