- There’s no speed limit on the Oval, so feel free to put the pedal to the metal!
- For male students, using an umbrella is regarded as a clear sign of homosexuality.
- The highest rates of depression recorded on campus belong to students enrolled in a Marc Smith Accounting course.
- The Lantern has twice been investigated for ties to notorious drug lord El Chapo (meanwhile, The Sundial has never had any controversies whatsoever).
- USG is corrupt!!! All of us need to work together to drain the swamp and MAKE OHIO STATE GREAT AGAIN!!!
- If you have a comically long and obviously made-up name (ex. Lisa-Marie Schmolmueller-Schwingshandl), don’t be surprised when literally everyone bullies you for it.
- Last year, a record 37 new types of STDs were discovered in the business frats. Do what you will with this information.
- It’s not your imagination; the food robots really are following you. They move slowly, but they never stop. Wherever you go, whatever path you take, they will follow. Never faster, never slower, always coming. You will run. They will roll. You will rest. They will not. One day, you will linger in the same place too long. You will sit too still or sleep too deep, and when, too late, you rise to go, you will notice a second shadow next to yours. Your life will then be over.
Written by Bear Grylls