To be frank, although I’m part of the working class, I don’t give a damn about the plight of the proletariat. Nor do I care about punishing the bourgeoisie, or anyone else decried in the Communist Manifesto. What I do care about is driving safely on campus.
Never before in the entire 13.8 billion year history of our universe has a group been so wholly oppressed as Ohio State students who commute to campus. As one of those unlucky souls, I have often been victimized by ignorant and reckless drivers, and have paid untold millions of dining dollars worth of parking fees.
The Capitalist pigs running CampusParc have reached levels of totalitarianism previously only seen in Nazi Germany. Over the semesters, their nefarious parking schemes have ruined more lives than the KGB and CIA combined. And yet the CampusParc pigs aren’t the worst offenders. That title belongs to the citizens of Columbus who everyday turn Ohio State’s campus into their own personal racetrack, aided by the willful ignorance of OSUPD.
In Communistical China and Russia, where Big Brother traffic cameras are placed every fifty feet, if you run a stop sign or forget to use your turn signal you will immediately be dragged away and shot. Not only that, your entire family will be sent to reeducation camps in the Gulag, on the off chance that your lack of driving ability is genetic.
Let me be clear: what we need is stricter traffic law enforcement. But if Ohio State doesn’t want to emulate the example of China or Russia, then how about looking to America’s best pal, Saudi Arabia? Banning women from driving would be a guaranteed way of making campus roads much safer for everyone.
Written by Karl Marx