We at the Sundial love a big scoop. And that’s why when we found out that President Walter “Ted” Carter, Jr. recently got a 3.5% “cost-of-living” raise and a bonus of around $168,000, we wanted to investigate. After all, a miniscule part of every person’s tuition and salaries here at OSU goes towards his yearly $1.3 million, and knowing why the university’s unelected trustees landed at that number is an interesting question. Surely his spending on corn chips, skincare, and gifts for Brutus surely isn’t over $168,000?

Let’s break down the past year in Ted Carter moments and trace back how the Trustees determined that this past year was worth exactly $168,000.

+ $3,000 – Adding Indian food to campus

It’s not particularly good Indian cuisine (nor is it pretending to be), but it is nice to eat something with flavor every once in a while. Ted – make the Union serve some good arepas and I’ll personally add another $500 to your bonus. That’s a promise.

+ $10,000 – Inviting his porcine friends to the rooftop gun show

While both The Sundial and Ted love us a good little outing on Thirsty Thursday, the cops may have had one too many $2 wells from Big Bar on April 25. Thankfully they didn’t actually do their fireworks show.

+ $10,000 – Buying 10 Identical suits from Abercrombie and Fitch

Ted’s just glad he got into a university where buying fast-fashion grey suits from an old slimy man can be seen as supporting local businesses.

+ $20,000 – Giving every graduating senior an As-Seen-On-TV product

Those ads saying “Just pay shipping” makes a whole lot more sense when none of those weird necklaces were ever sent out. Ted got paid and Chris Pan is left fending for the scraps and for lunch dates with Sundialers (true story, btw). Good for him.

+ $125,000 – Confirming Ted X Brutus is canon

This one almost sounds too good to be true, but it is. Don’t ask us how we got the scoop, as we aren’t legally allowed to tell you. However, this kind of leadership is exactly why my out-of-state tuition deserves to go up by $1,000 every year.

So there you have it folks. Hopefully that explains why Ted, already a multimillionaire and holder of a military pension, deserves to make 102x what the average student employee at OSU makes. I tried to do this exact same thing with Ryan Day, but his salary simply can’t be justified.

Written by Diego Phoyú