He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake. He’s an all-knowing demi-god of magic and presents, and he knows your futures. That’s right, Santa himself has told me personally what all of your futures are! Except for the Jewish kids; I learned their futures from their over-bearing mothers. Without further ado, here are your fates…Holiday Style!
Aquarius- Neptune is just chillin’ up there….menacingly. I’m sorry, but this year all you are getting is socks. There will be mountains of footwear under your Christmas tree and in your stocking, which is itself just an oversize sock, fittingly enough.
Pisces- A little bit of holiday romantic advice for Pisces; if you really want to make someone your girlfriend/boyfriend/manslave for Christmas, just go to their door, put mistletoe above it, knock, act pleasantly surprised at the presence of the mistletoe when they answer, grab them, and start vigorously osculating with them.
Aries- It’s always been there for you, every year right around the holiday season. It gets you through all the awkward family Christmas get-togethers, all the annoying Christmas jingles played over and over again (not the Jazzy ones, those are actually pretty enjoyable), and the disappointing sock-presents. That’s right, we’re talking about eggnog. Your best friend during the long holiday season. Now it’s time to spike that bad boy like a punk’s hair.
Taurus- Since Jupiter is being extra Jupiter right now, do your best not to get caught up in a lively internet debate about “Happy Holidays” vs. “Merry Christmas.” It will quickly turn nasty. Trust me, the people who actually are having a Merry Christmas or a Happy Holiday really don’t give a f*** which one you say to them.
Gemini- You are well on your way to breaking the world record for the number of consecutive viewings of “A Christmas Story.” Don’t stop now! You’ve almost made it!
Cancer- The planets have all aligned with the center of the galaxy at some point this year. Mysteriously, and without cause, everybody will start caring about the TV show Duck Dynasty. For no reason. At all.
Leo- A crazy Pisces might show up at your door with mistletoe and start to vigorously make out with you. Don’t panic. All you need to do is take down the mistletoe and destroy it with fire, and then explain kindly to the Pisces that you just don’t think of him/her in that way, and that you’d rather just be friends.
Virgo- You will not get laid.
Libra- Hey, you got all of your Christmas shopping done, right? Well, you forgot somebody. We can’t tell you who, but trust us, you forgot someone. And you shouldn’t sleep until you remember who.
Scorpio- If you’re not aware by now, there aren’t any Scorpios left, so this slot is used for Ad Space. So come on down to Home Depot for some fabulous Christmas Savings!! Right now, we’re offering great deals on all your Christmas home décor, like lights, garlands, wreaths, and much more! Also, when you shop at Home Depot, you have a chance to donate money to our own impoverished employees, since we don’t pay them enough to have an actual Christmas. Those savings get passed on to you!
Sagittarius- If you see your cool Leo roommate being orally assaulted by a desperate Pisces at the door, be a good Samaritan and help him/her destroy the mistletoe that is allowing it to happen.
Capricorn- Venus is hovering flirtatiously close to Mars, which means all of your New Year’s resolutions will come true this year. We mean it this time! They really will! It won’t be like the other years where you were already regressing back to downing six Sprites a day by mid-January. This year will be different.
-Ben Fogle, Staff-Writer