Are you looking for tips on how to make your pie the big hit of the party? Well look no further, and follow these simple steps:

 

  • Preheat oven to 428.57°F. Exactly. Or else.

  • Mix the following ingredients together:

    • ¾ cup sugar

    • 2 large eggs, and you really can’t be large enough here. Ostrich eggs are ideal.

    • 1 tsp ginger

    • ½ tsp cinnamon (the spice, not the stripper)

    • ½ tsp salt from your neighbor’s house. They obviously deserve it, with their damn dogs and all.

  • Add 1 can of evaporated milk, making sure it’s been thoroughly evaporated. If you can see it, it’s not evaporated enough! (Secret tip: Add the can itself for some extra kick!)

  • Pour into a pie crust made from scratch with the finest Azerbaijani flour, ideally ground by trained, purebred squirrels. Of course, if you don’t have that on hand, store-bought crust will work too.

  • Place the pie in the center of a pentagram. Then, simply summon the Old God R’thulkthka to help you heat your pie to perfection! Just remember, don’t look into any of its eyes. It will not hesitate to punish you.

 

If a knife comes out clean after 3 repetitions of its dark and unintelligible chant, it’s done!

Serve with whipped cream.

 

FAQ:

 

I like both of my neighbors. Why should I steal salt from them?

It’s not really important that the salt comes from a neighbor’s house specifically, just that the salt was somehow acquired illegally. Absolutely nothing compares to the illicit thrill of taking what isn’t yours, and when you eat your pie, you’ll think back to those moments with a smile. Anyway, consider pouring some out of a can from your closest grocery store, or pocketing a small shaker from a restaurant.

The knife didn’t come out clean / I looked into R’thulkthka’s eyes! What do I do?

First off, DON’T PANIC. R’thulkthka can smell your fear. You have two options to escape with your life and soul still intact – either prepare a sacrifice, or pick up and run. R’thulkthka will usually accept the pie as a sacrifice if paired with a goat’s hoof, blood of a virgin, or a small dash of white phosphorous. If you don’t have those, or it still seems unhappy – and you’ll know, trust me – run as fast as your legs will allow. Get to your car and drive as fast as it will allow. You may find yourself chased by police, but no matter – very few behind you will survive the wrath of R’thulkthka. Eventually, a blinding light will appear in your mirror. When it dissipates, tens of thousands will have fallen, but you, reader, will have survived. Plus, if you remember to grab the pie, the light should cook it fairly well. It may be a little burnt, but some people like it that way! Don’t knock it until you try it!

Why is there no pumpkin in this recipe?

Umm… well, because it would certainly be silly if… there was pumpkin in an apple pie recipe! Yeah! Pssshh, putting pumpkin in an apple pie – could you imagine?

Except you claimed this was a pumpkin pie recipe.

…did I?

Yep. It’s in the title.

Shit. Um, tell you what, if you want to make this, just put a pumpkin in your food processor and add that. That should work, right?

You’re the one with the recipe.

Listen, I didn’t come here to get yelled at by some reader all up on their high horse, okay? You don’t know me! You don’t know my story!

Jesus, chill. Last question: Where can I get ostrich eggs?

You obviously know more about baking then I do; why don’t YOU tell us, huh? I’m not helping you anymore. This is over. Goodbye.

-Ryan Wires and Donna Taja, Contributors