Hello all,
I hope you are having a wonderful New Year. The new year is a time for hope, reflection, and the annual Bishop family new year card! We don’t like to send Christmas cards because we feel it excludes certain groups who do not celebrate Christmas, and also allows for direct comparison of us to more physically attractive families. It’s not like we’re unattractive, it’s just that the flash setting on our camera is tricky to get correct.
However, it’s what’s on the inside that counts, and that why this year we’ve decided to take this in a different direction. As instructed by the judge following the trial outlined in last year’s card, we have all been attending mandatory therapy. And to give you an idea of how we’re all faring, we had each of our therapists write out the progress we’ve made this year! And I’m so confident in our family that I won’t even read the therapists’ submissions before sending this out. I even told them that it was for the judge so they wouldn’t go easy on us. So, with no further ado, enjoy!
Report of Myron Bishop from Dr. Harington, MD
It is my recommendation to the judge that Myron remain under my supervision for several more weeks. Myron began our first session by bringing me a full rotisserie chicken and encouraging me to share it with him during the session. I kindly declined and asked him about his role in the arson and why he thought he was here. He was clearly offended and refused to speak until I ate at least one drumstick. I reluctantly ate it, which I now deeply regret due to its off-color taste and the feeling that I had somehow skewed our power dynamic. Over the next five months, Myron brought a different meat to each session and made me eat part of it. I would have stopped him, but it was the only way to get him to talk. When he abruptly stopped bringing meats to our sessions, I found that he shared very little information, often scrolling through texts or playing with my desk toys. So I began bringing my own cuts of meat and eating them to see if that would remedy the situation. Strangely enough, it did, so long as I didn’t repeat a type of meat. It got to the point where I was importing rare cuts of wild boar to get him to tell me his dreams. I now have dangerously high cholesterol and will be charging the courts for my medications.
Report of Ellen Bishop from Dr. Delgada, MD
I have made no effort to hide my reluctance to act as Ellen’s therapist, and if her therapy were not court-ordered, I would drop her as a patient entirely. Ellen, as I have recently discovered, is a pathological liar. Her lies are outlandish, but she performs them with such earnest that they are seldom detectable. For example, when I met her, Ellen described her past experiences as a Boston cop who fed information to the local gang leader, all while trying to identify and take down a cop who had been planted into the gang itself. She showed no signs of deception, cried at all the right points, and would only bring it up when she thought it was relevant to our discussion of her role in the arson case. Last week, I rented the film “The Departed” and found that the plot was exactly what Ellen had described. When I confronted her about it, she simply drew out one long yawn until our session ended. I will essentially need to start from square one with her next year, perhaps employing a new tactic to get her to tell the truth. Dr. Harington has enthusiastically suggested that I eat a ham in front of her, which makes no sense to me. I suggest removing him from analysis of Mrs. Bishop’s husband immediately, as his mind appears to be going.
Report of Sterling Bishop from Dr. Bloom, MD
Sterling shows many of the characteristics of an only child. He is self-sufficient, seeks the company of adults over his fellow teenagers, and is quite eloquent. Aside from his small role in the arson, he shows no signs of psychological disturbance. He does, however, believe that this report will be made public through his family’s annual new year’s card although I have assured him that it will be sent directly to the judge. Since I have no further analysis to report, however, I will address the few accomplishments he wished for me to outline (I feel that this will do no harm to anyone and may even give you a better depiction of the boy). This year, Sterling has been accepted to college, ran a half-marathon, achieved a 3.8 GPA, captained the school’s rugby team, and took Jessica Adams to the prom (a formidable achievement, I am told, given her striking beauty). He wants to thank everyone who supported him throughout the trial and hopes everyone has a safe new year. The only thing about him that still concerns me is his bedwetting, which he asked me to leave out, but which I will keep in because I’m certain in the confidentiality of this report.
Well, I hope you enjoyed reading about our progress this year! Maybe our family will inspire you to become the best version of yourself in 2017. Feel free to stop by our house and have a drink– just keep in mind that we are under house arrest so we will not return the favor.
Best,
Myron Bishop and family