1.Bring Back Outdated Modes of Communication: Sometimes we just get too caught up in our phones and tablets and computers, so this year take a break from your technology and send a tweet by carrier pigeon. Not only will you give a needy pigeon a home and a job, but you’ll finally have a friend.
2. Smell More Bagels: Our favorite circular bread friends get all dressed up and make sure they smell fresh and doughy just for you, so give them a sniff, for your sake and theirs.
3. Start obsessing over the crippling weight of life’s responsibilities: Get a jump start on your dead-end career by worrying about never making enough money to support yourself. If you don’t have a mental breakdown due to stress every week, you aren’t obsessing hard enough.
4. Start Drinking Cleaning Solutions: Get a jump on the new health trends by trying toxic substances in hopes of finding the new super-food. Your waistline and your health insurance provider will hate you.
5. Cut Off Your Own Feet: Lose five pounds! Instantly!
6. Inhale More Chloroform: We all need to get more sleep, and the best way to get those 8 hours is to take a big inhale of chloroform right before bed. You’ll be dead asleep before you know it…well you might actually be dead, but hey at least you won’t know it.
7. Recycle More: We all want to help the planet, so start cleaning out your drawers and filling up those recycle bins. Start by recycling old receipts, old newspapers, and then magazines. Once all those are gone, start pitching out your precious family photos, your birth certificate, your great-great-grandmother’s secret pie recipe that has been in the family for generations, cash, your green card, and your son’s adoption papers.
–Maddie Gottfried, Contributor