“It’s good piss,” 1st year political science major Peter Bloomberg remarked as he downed an entire cup of slightly yellow water. “Good piss-water, I mean.” Ever since university dining services introduced banana water, it has been open season in regards to these refreshing combinations.
“After the surprising success of banana and cantaloupe water, we decided to push the envelope further. In other words, innovation.” Traditions dining director Andrea Mitchenko proclaimed with the fervor of one million Apple keynote speeches. “Soon enough, we were introducing mayonnaise water and steak sauce water, until we pushed even more further: piss water.” When questioned about the logical progression of water concoctions, postulating as to whether or not shit water could be a next step, Mitchenko failed to elaborate.
Since Spring break, thirsty students have been pleasantly surprised with the products of these supposed innovations. Consequently, Bloomberg now describes himself as a piss-connoisseur. “I had never considered myself a piss-man, until Kcomm happened. It’s like experiencing a perfect and salty reality that you hadn’t even known existed.”
For other students, however, this “pee-phoria” was not experienced. “Judging by the color, I was expecting lemonade…but no. Lemonade obviously isn’t supposed to taste like Friday night regret,” 2nd year meat sciences major Amy Epsilon recalled about her beverage experience. “I still drink it, though.”
After a popular tweet on OSU Crush shouted out Kcomm’s piss water, many were curious to see whose urine was the special ingredient. OSU chef Joffrey Staller quickly claimed this place of pride. “We were pitching ideas for new ‘coctions and I thought ‘well, if we could green light mayonnaise, why not try piss? The wife loves my piss, so possibly others will.’” Staller nibbled on a stalk of asparagus. “I think this does the trick but, who knows, it could just be my essence.”
Dining services have considered switching piss water back out for cucumber water, but upper management fears major pushback. “ According to our data, [piss water] runs out at a rate similar to piss draining down a urinal,” Mitchenko observed. “Our data also suggests that taking anything substantial away from this very political student body could lead to protests and boycotts, creating a potential ‘catastro-pee’, if you will.”
As of today, Kcomm still serves piss water: get some if you haven’t yet tried.
Written by Jake Schitz, Contributor