On April 23rd, during a somber springtime evening, 11-year-old Arnold McKilsen attempted to revive his late grandfather, 81-year-old Bernard McKilsen, buried in Dennison Cemetery at Lewis Center, Ohio. However, upon activation of the Yu-Gi-Oh! Monster Reborn spell card, Arnold stood on the sunken soil—alone. Nothing had happened.

In a Sundial exclusive interview, Arnold stated that he was promised the card would special summon a monster to his field from either player’s graveyard. “It doesn’t matter whose graveyard he was in. I should have been able to special summon him!”

Immediately following Mr. McKilsen’s funeral service, Arnold sued the acclaimed multimedia corporation Konami for fraudulent claims and false advertisement.

Company representative Satoshi Kozuki questioned the authenticity of Arnold’s spell card, stating, “We stand by the quality of our products and are confident that Arnold has purchased counterfeit Yu-Gi-Oh! products from an unlicensed third-party seller. If it were an authentic Yu-Gi-Oh! card, Mr. McKilsen would be alive and well today.”

Local Yu-Gi-Oh! players in the area have raised doubts over the legitimacy of Arnold’s claims. “Anal grease Arnold runs thirty five copies of Pot of Greed and all five pieces of Exodia the Forbidden One in his deck,” said Dexter Gillam, owner of local tabletop game shop Blistering Ballsacks. “You just can’t trust that bastard.”

Following public outcry, Konami counter sued for defamation and succeeded in obtaining a court release of Arnold’s internet browsing history from Delaware Country Judge Lauren Alison, detailing Arnold’s voracious online searching for amateurish card printing techniques proceeding Mr. McKilsen’s funeral.

The judge ruled in-favor of Konami cooperation, sentencing Arnold to 75 years of bathing competitive Yu-Gi-Oh! players. When the press questioned Judge Alison why she didn’t resort to a more lenient sentence such as death by firing squad while in electric chair, she responded “Some fat fuck back in fourth grade convinced me to trade my entire Blue Eyes White Dragon deck for his supposedly rare Spanish copy of a holographic Exodia card. Fast forward thirty years and eBay banned my account for attempting to sell a counterfeit product inscribed with auto-fellatio pornography. That kid just so happened to be Bernard fucking McKilsen.”

-By Cheese Kurd, Contributor