Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas revealed in a press statement this week that an investigation into American craft store chain and international black market art trader Hobby Lobby has uncovered a plot to have the U.S Declaration of Independence stolen.

Directly implicated is known action film “star” Nicholas Cage who is speculated to have been involved due to the notoriety of his role in historical action-fiction movies “National Treasure” and “National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets”, where Cage is depicted stealing various national artifacts, including the Declaration of Independence.

This comes just weeks after the shittier version of Michael’s was forced by an international coalition led by UNICEF to return over 3,800 artifacts that had been illegally trafficked to the U.S. from Iraq. Included among these artifacts is the famed Gilgamesh Dream Tablet, which has been missing for over 30 years.

This closer examination of the company’s practices has revealed an even more shocking inventory consisting of various other missing works of art including Rembrandt’s “The Storm on The Sea of Galilee”, the Magna Carta, and Meng Lan, a giant panda from the Beijing Zoo. All of these items are believed by Homeland Security to have also been stolen by various action movie stars hired by the company.

Cage refused to comment on the matter when questioned on the matter by reporters from the Sundial, who had been invited to attend his announcement of National Treasure 3: Angela Merkel’s Secret Jasmine Mine, sponsored in part by Joann Fabrics.

Hobby Lobby girlboss father-son duo Steve and David Green said in an official interview that any misconduct on the part of Hobby Lobby was purely coincidental and that also Jesus is cool with it. “Hobby Lobby returned over 16,000 valuable artifacts to the Middle East as part of our cooperation with the Department of Homeland Security as a show of good faith toward our friends in Iraq”, Green said in an oddly villainous Zoom call Friday morning. “We freely repatriated everything that the government told us they could prove was stolen, which left a whopping sixteen genuine artifacts that are still on display in our highly reputable Museum of the Bible, which somehow remains open even today.”

It is thought by investigators that most of these items were stolen by third party exporters like Al Qaeda and that guy who hangs out behind the UDF in a trench coat, then sent to America through legitimate channels. The stolen artifacts then arrived at Hobby Lobby’s Oklahoma City
headquarters and were packed into nondescript trucks driven by Bruce Willis to vague country estates where Nicholas Cage apparently lives.

In response to the threat, various museums and agencies around the country have upped their security, several making the choice to ban Nicholas Cage for life. The National Archives made the decision to put its founding documents collection on hiatus for the foreseeable future, opting to replace them with less valuable exhibits. Visitors can now view never before seen documents like the CIA dossiers on Amelia Earhart’s location and Bob Dole’s unfinished manuscript on the merits of starting a comedy career after running for president.

A lawyer for Green’s team said in an official statement that “Mr. Cage is a valued partner in merchandising here at Hobby Lobby and therefore is in no way interested in acquiring any documents for the company’s private interests. That being said, if the U.S. government is willing to come to the bargaining table, we are prepared to play hardball.”

-By Owen Phillips, Staff Writer