OHIO UNION, COLUMBUS – Early reports from The Lantern indicate that the executive board of the Ohio Union Activities Board has a surprise in store for a speaker gift on Sunday’s event.
“We’re really excited to announce that, with new technology developed by our subcommittee, we’ve been able to support McCurdy in her performance by bringing her mom ‘to life’ with the use of hologram technology,”
OUAB has not disclosed the cost of this publicity stunt, but early estimates have it somewhere north of seven figures. Trey Lagos, treasurer of OUAB, spoke to the press earlier this week.
“We know that we might have to make a cut to student services, moving us farther and farther away from our goal of being one of the last Big Ten schools without an LGBTQ+ support center, but we felt this was a wise investment.”
OUAB also announced that, to pay for this, they will be canceling Wellness Wednesdays and the entire astronomy department.
Jeanette McCurdy has not directly responded to comment at press time, but her representative stated that the organizing committee must of read only the last three words of the title of her book, and maybe should have spent more time researching her life of being an abusive parent.
Additional commentary from OUAB was unavailable, as the same software that the press department uses also runs their ticketing system.
Written by the Staff of the Sundial Humor Magazine