Ohio State’s popular “4 Paws for Ability” program will soon undergo a radical expansion, new University President Brutus Buckeye announced earlier today. The 4Paws program, which gives student volunteers the opportunity to train therapy dogs, will be expanded to include a variety of other animals. 

“The ‘other animals’ in question were chosen via a campus-wide poll,” President Buckeye informed us. “We got the idea from Minecraft’s Mob Vote, except our system actually presented worthwhile candidates for voters to choose from. Ultimately it was decided that the 4Paws program will be taking on a herd of elephants, a pair of komodo dragons, a family of giant squid, a snapping turtle, a boa constrictor, a bunch of lobsters, and a partridge in a pear tree. Although these are all fine choices, personally I was hoping for a pet giraffe.”

The program’s expansion was prompted after animal rights groups expressed concern that 4Paws was discriminating against non-dog species. “We believe that all creatures, not just dogs, can become service animals,” said animal rights activist Jane Goodall, a sophomore zoology major. “4Paws should be a non-restrictive program. Any animal should be welcome to join. Imagine you were a zebra or a moose applying to join this club; how would you feel if you were turned away simply because you didn’t have floppy ears and a wagging tail? The point is, having other animals in 4Paws is the right thing to do. All animals are worthy of love and attention, and of being part of 4Paws. No cats though.”  

Each animal will be paired with a student volunteer, and will effectively be kept as a pet for several semesters as the animal is “socialized” and prepared for therapy service. Most residence halls on campus have an arrangement allowing 4Paws service-dogs-in-training to live in the rooms with the students. However, according to Campus Housing Director Toni Greenslade-Smith, this arrangement might have to be re-evaluated.

“Our residence halls simply aren’t equipped to deal with animals that aren’t dogs or cats,” Director Greenslade-Smith said. “I mean, we’re OK with the elephants and turtles and whatever, but come on… a giant squid? Are you kidding me right now? Why don’t we just dump his tentacled ass back in Mirror Lake where he belongs.”

The Director’s comments were condemned by animal rights activists, who were last seen planning a massive breakout of the Columbus Zoo.

Written by Wally Green