By Giorgio A. Tsoukalos
Last night, students attending Dr. Steven Brown’s special seminar on the Mexican Alien Mummies were shocked when the renowned professor introduced two special guests: the Mexican Alien Mummies themselves.
Dr. Brown:
Welcome, welcome! It’s great to finally meet you two! What should we call you guys – Yoda and Yaddle? Abbott and Costello?
Alien Mummy #1:
Do you have any idea how offensive that is, dude? I’m Mauricio, and this is my little sis Clara.
Alien Mummy #2:
I am not your little sis! We’re twins, we were literally born at the same time!
Alien Mummy #1:
You were born about 30 seconds after me, so…
Alien Mummy #2:
Oh, whatever. Anyway, Dr. Brown, we’d prefer it if you called us Mauricio and Clara from now on.
Dr. Brown:
I – well, OK.
Clara:
What?
Dr. Brown:
Nothing! It’s just, well, I thought you’d have cooler names than that.
Mauricio:
Are you saying my name isn’t cool? What’s your problem, man?
Dr. Brown:
Hey, look, I’m sorry. Mauricio is a great name! I wish I was named Mauricio! And Clara’s nice too.
Clara:
OK, OK, enough said. Let’s get back to the interview.
Dr. Brown:
That’s a good idea. Well then – Clara, Mauricio, thank you both so much for being here. I’d like to start with a question about your life before fame. Not many people know this, but you two actually graduated from Ohio State!
Clara:
That’s right! I studied Physics and was president of the Astronomical Society. I took my academics very seriously. Mauricio, on the other hand…
Mauricio:
Hey, I graduated, didn’t I? I was a business major but I skipped most of my classes to be with my frat bros. I’m telling you, Prof, back in those days the university didn’t have these silly rules about hazing and underage drinking. I remember all the times I’d show up to parties with a couple jugs of Martian vodka and we’d just go crazy. Oh, and the bouncers at the campus bars didn’t care if you were underage! You could show them a fake ID written in crayon and they’d just wave you right in. Things were just better back then.
Clara:
(Shaking her head disapprovingly.) Anyway, after we graduated we spent a few centuries exploring the galaxy. Just wanted to have some fun before getting stuck in a boring old 9-5!
Dr. Brown:
Wow! See anything interesting during your travels?
Clara:
Oh, definitely! We voyaged through a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. We traversed the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. It was at once wondrous, beautiful, heartbreaking, and awe-inspiring. Anything to add, Mauricio?
Mauricio:
Hmm… I really liked that alien strip club on Arrakis XI. There was this one blue-skinned chick who must have had twenty or thirty boobs, each one bigger than my head! God, she was fun. I’ll send you the pics later.
Dr. Brown:
Yes please! So, most recently, you ended up in Mexico. How did that happen?
Clara:
Honestly, Professor… we missed Columbus so much that we decided to cut our grand tour short and return to Earth! There’s something so wonderful about this city and its inhabitants. The clean, shiny streets; the sparkling blue Olentangy; the world-class cuisine. There’s nowhere else like it in the universe. We felt it was time to come back… after a quick vacation in Cancun. And Acapulco. And Tijuana.
Mauricio:
Mexico, man… They got hookers and cocaine by the truckload down there. That’s all I’m going to say.
Dr. Brown:
…Got it. (After a pause.) Changing the subject completely, let’s move on to questions about life, the universe, and everything. As a professor of philosophy, I’m interested to hear about some alien philosophical concepts or beliefs. That’s assuming, of course, that aliens even study philosophy…?
Clara:
Of course we do! Any intelligent species can’t help but wonder about its place in the universe, and about the meaning of life. The most popular trend right now, which I happen to subscribe to, is called Cosmic Symbiosis. Basically it’s believed that all life and species, regardless of planet of origin, are interconnected and interdependent in a great cosmic web of existence.
Dr. Brown:
That’s fascinating! Anything to add, Mauricio?
Mauricio:
I’ll say it again: hookers and cocaine, man. That’s been my personal philosophy since I was born and I’m sticking with it.
Dr. Brown:
Incredible! Now, one final question… Do you have a message for all those out there who continue to say that you aren’t really aliens? That it’s all a big hoax?
Clara:
(Turning to the audience.) Open your eyes! How can you still think aliens aren’t real? Haven’t you seen those pictures of Mark Zuckerberg without makeup, or of Elon Musk shirtless at the beach? Those guys were created on Kamino IV, a planet lightyears farther than the planet Mauricio and I are from!
Mauricio:
Exactly – they’re more alien than we are! And if you still think aliens haven’t infiltrated your government, think again! Did you know Trump’s wig is actually a domesticated Dalek from the planet Skaro? And Biden’s ice cream comes straight from the finest Kryptonian cows?
Dr. Brown:
I – wow, really? That’s so cool! Anyway, that’s all the time we have for today. Let’s have a big round of applause for our little alien friends, Clara and Mauricio!