DENNEY HALL– The week before last, OSU English students were shocked to discover that Denney Hall was closed due to heating issues. Classes were canceled or moved online as the university scrambled to repair the building, whose issues seemed to be multiplying over the course of the week: burst pipes, electrical problems, and a massive hole in the ceiling of the second floor women’s room that was– oh wait, that’s been there. The building was miraculously re-opened by Tuesday of Week 3, but some students suspect something has been covered up given the quick nature of the repairs.
The Sundial’s lead investigative reporter, Jaqueline Legume, sat down with one such student, Bradley Falconer of the Fisher School of Business. Falconer, who is a second-year finance major taking a technical writing course in Denney this semester, presented strong evidence indicating fowl play in the English building.
LEGUME: In your own words, Mr. Falconer, what would you say was the root cause of the damage incurred by Denney hall earlier this month
FALCONER: I know it sounds crazy, but I swear it was the Bird King causing all the destruction. He blew up the pipes and the boiler so there would be no heat or water in the building, and then he flew back to his nest in the bathroom and rejoiced at the chaos!
LEGUME: How do you think a bird was able to pull all this off? And is there any proof?
FALCONER: Of course. Obviously, the Bird King is a very large crow, probably like three feet tall, who uses his bird feet to smash things and uses his beak to chew through wires, hence the explosions. I found a massive feather and heard a lot of squawking on the stairs on my way to class, which is how I know he’s still there. Plus, I have reason to believe he’s befriending girls in American Lit, who he’s conditioning to carry out his evil bidding.
LEGUME: That’s chilling. Do you know why he’s doing this?
FALCONER: Because. He’s mad that his pigeon girlfriend got rejected from the Creative Writing concentration. He basically forced the University to meet his demands, and then by Tuesday everything was fixed because he’s a Mech E major and some sort of mystical bird.
LEGUME: Wow. Thank you for your time.
Following the interview, Legume headed to the second floor women’s room in Denney Hall to talk to the Bird King himself, who lives in the space between the second and third floors.
BIRD KING: Yeah, I got a little pissed off. Sorry guys!
As a temporary peace offering, or maybe a protective amulet, the Bird King gave the Sundial a piece of hay from his nest. We are unsure if he’ll strike again, but we advise all of our readers to keep an eye on any friends studying Edgar Allen Poe right now.
Written by Olivia Dearth