Abraham Lincoln once said, “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” A true hat-wearer, I’m convinced he was talking about me, 164 years later, standing in the backyard of Theta Xi Sigma Alpha Male Chapter, publicly wearing a hat for the first time.
“This old thing? You’ve never seen me without it!” is the first thing I said to my roommate, unprompted, when we got to the party, forgetting they watched me put it on in our dorm. After this devastating mistake, I abandoned my roommate, who was already blackout drunk–God forbid I risk them exposing my secret.
I kept it lowkey the rest of the party: Making sure not to drink so little that I didn’t have fun but not so much that I told everyone my deepest, darkest secret: that I don’t wear hats. The night gets a little hazy from here. But, I was level-headed enough to keep my hat on and my story straight.
I thought I was finally in the clear, however, I was mistaken. I forgot about my greatest enemy: The 5’4” brother that Theta Xi Sigma Alpha Male uses as the bouncer to boost his ego. All of a sudden, he tapped me on the shoulder and began berating me for my hat:
“Do you not wear hats? Have you not worn hats? Will you not wear hats? When will you not wear hats?” The boy drunkenly fired off these questions faster than I could even think to answer them.
Heed this post as a warning: Don’t fucking wear a hat. They’ll know.
Written by The Frat in the Hat