After a long year of discussions, The Sundial magazine finally unveils its rebrand. On Sunday, April 23, an official spokesperson for the magazine stated that the long-awaited rebrand is here.
The premier comedy magazine on campus saw an influx in membership over the last academic year. New members and their new ideas encouraged leadership to step back and reconsider the mission of the magazine.
In the past The Sundial has focused on making vulgar sex jokes and slanderous claims against Kristina Johnson, the greatest president this university has ever seen. The fresh faces of The Sundial suggested steering away from the tasteless articles the magazine has published in the past and instead building on the true mission of the magazine: promoting abstinence.
Magazine officials were inspired by their new members’ commitment to abstinence and made the decision to end all magazine business not related to promoting abstinence. Editor Henry Levenberg went on record to say “As a 21-year-old virgin, BY CHOICE, I think it is vital for our magazine to advance the benefits of abstinence. our magazine is committed to providing Ohio State students with a safe space to choose virginity”.
However, the announcement of this rebrand raised a few concerns among Sundial’s investigative team. The investigative team was vehemently against the rebrand and had vocalized their concerns many times. As the only team in the magazine that gets bitches, they obviously could not possibly be perceived as abstinence-loving virgins. Bad for the brand.
After tireless underground inquiries, the investigative team began to scrutinize the commitment to abstinence of the magazine’s new members. Insider reports revealed texts between Sundial leadership mocking Levenberg for being a 21-year-old virgin, which was reported to be the true motive of the rebrand.
Levenberg felt embarrassed and lonely in his situation which prompted him to seek a safe space. After realizing no such group existed he took it upon himself to rebrand Ohio State’s beloved comedy magazine into an abstinence club. Further research revealed that although a large portion of the magazine’s contributors is not sexually active, they still act like they are to avoid the sadness faced by Levenberg.
Written by Sia Sindhwani