Gilman Hot Springs, CA— Fleeing the scene of a raging fire, leaders of the Church of Scientology are left wondering if the fire was arson or a sign from the great, almighty alien god Xenu. “It’s definitely an arson plot by the FBI and not a sign that our faith is a pile of foundationless lies,” said David Miscavige, the current leader of the Church of Scientology, as he hid behind the puppeteered corpse of founder and notable science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard. “I’ve personally spoken to Xenu, and he or quite possibly she, assures us that all is well in the heavens above, or below, or in the middle. To be honest, I don’t really know what Scientology is.” At press time, the fire continues to rage, claiming the lives of at least seven tier one members who were locked in the basement with no escape routes.
Written by Hannah Wagner, Senior Staff Writer