Just the other week I walked into the most dangerous store around – Yankee Candle. You know you’ve found an evil company when you can walk into the store and instantly become buzzed from the scentsory overload that is Yankee Candle. As far as I know, it’s the only business that bases their model around killing brain cells through scent. AXE doesn’t count, that happens outside of the store. Anyways, I’ve concluded that candles are possibly the most dangerous creation man has invented.
When I entered the store, I was looking for a gift for my beloved mother (she has an addiction to candles, who am I to not indulge her?) The lady at the checkout immediately asked me if I needed help finding anything. Of course, I’m just looking for a nice smelling candle, I don’t walk into that place looking for a specific scent, so I politely respond “No, just browsing, thanks.” Then a sign caught my eye. It said: “Smell the Beauty of a Thunderstorm.”
What the hell, how does one smell rain?
Now, this might not seem that weird, you say. Everybody knows what rain smells like, just go outside anytime in the spring after a quick April shower. But please take a minute to think about what product I’m buying – a candle. The thing that people light ON FIRE – and what is the scent of the candle supposed to be? Rain. WATER from the sky. How does this work? Did somebody just collect a barrel of rain, mix some wax in, and put a string in it? If anybody knows, please please please enlighten me. Humanity is doomed! We’ve gotten to the point of turning a basic element of the world into the complete opposite. I cannot be the only one that is worried about our godly powers being used for evil like Yankee is doing every day.
I was recently informed that Yankee also has a candle in production called “Angel’s Wings.” This has gone too far. Every time a bell rings an angel is supposed to get their wings, not have them chopped off and thrown into a jambalaya pot! We have now invaded a higher being’s kingdom and started killing his servants. Or worse yet, we’ve started to kill our own guardian angels! I need my guardian angel! How else am I supposed to walk across High Street at 2am in my all black angsty boy outfit without being hit? If I don’t wear that, mother will never know the emotional distraught I feel!
What ever happened to normal scents, like lilac perfume, or lemon verbena, both of which remind me of the comfort of my own home? These are the smells people enjoy – the classics. If we must be creative, I have a suggestion – Mother’s Embrace. I can smell it now, the sweet aroma of vanilla and strawberries, swirled in with a sprinkle of cinnamon and just a dash of disappointment. Now THAT would be a candle I would burn 24 hours a day.
Next time you want to buy a candle that smells like something else, just buy the actual product. I don’t care if you “can’t afford the calories” of a Cinnabon but want to smell one. They’re probably working on how to inhale calories anyway. I encourage all who read this to act and buy from Bath and Body Works instead. They offer all-natural scents (the way it should be) ranging from Pineapple Mango to Eucalyptus Mint. How many more angels must die before the message is heard? Yankee must be stopped.
Written by Jack Polivka, Contributor